What year is it again?

Write a blog they said. Well here we go, I wrote a blog, it’s been a while. I mean don’t ask me why, you would think after half the year in lock down and working from home you would have more time to contemplate the world when your locked in doors, if we can even begin to contemplate what the hell has happened in 2020 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Yet here we are September and 9 month into what can only be the oddest year in the 32 of that I’ve lived. There is a difference between living on the edge and wondering what the hell is coming next. Memories of Spanish sun 7 months behind us and what I would give for a boarding pass, wing seat and a jug of sangria in my hand. I guess yorkshire tea and the wonderful British weather will have to suffice, pass me an aldi cookie and well I’m on a roll. Would I relive 2020?Hell no…Have I learnt anything from it? One hundred and one percent.

I have learnt to appreciate things close to home, I’ve learnt to make the best of bad situations and I’ve been reminded once again who is always there even if it’s via a zoom screen. I’ve learnt things can change in a heart beat and what you love and know is never permanent and that I’m good at giving advice but not listening to it myself. I’ve acquired a bike and learnt my cake baking has still got it, I have a new passion for gardening, planting, watering and watching things come to life with a bit tender love and care. Watching and waiting, sound familiar? After all with an adventurous nature it is always envitable to be looking for new things to learn. Did i think I’d be an over protective tomato tenderer at the ripe old age of 32, erm did you expect a pandemic?

So whilst adventures have had to take a break for a short while and the fco is probably more checked then your scrolling insta feed we watch and wait for what the last 4 months of the year hold. Heaven help us.

Its been a tough year so far for sure, everyone has there own battles, adapting to our new lives and working habitats, David Attenborough I am not but I have befriended the garden frog. I avoid the news like the plaque and my heart aches to travel, chuck in a unprecedented house move and what could possibly go wrong. Thankfully my addictive personality never allows me to give up on my own challenges, I dont need someone to chase my tail or push me along and for that I will be forever grateful to myself, helping people goes a long way with me but a little support is always welcome especially from those close to home.

My fitness pal is my new best friend, I am constantly chucking out packets I’m not meant too, ending,up head first in the recycle bin and trying to remember to track the kit kat that I needed before bed, in between hanging the washing out and cooking the tea on my lunch break, go figure. My swimming is my forte, it’s my punch bag and my therapy setting me up everyday one stroke at a time. I have learned a lot this year about self goals, your own strength and what you can achieve if you put your mind to it even if you don’t always believe in yourself.

In a nutshell. Whatever the situation, kick your own arse and manage your own mind it will go a long way in the long run and when normality returns (when) you will Thank yourself ❤

Weight loss wonders

It’s a great thing being a woman. 90 or maybe 80% of the time?..I think? Like many woman both young and old my weight plays a massive part in my life. I have never been overrally confident, infact I’ve never been confident, or at least rarely anyway. Like the majority of woman today I’m the girl who looks in your standard every day mirror and thinks someone’s replaced it with a comedy one from the local fairground fun house. Mirrors are powerful things, as are minds. I’ve never been obese nor have I ever been skin and bones, neither which I add would want to be. I just want to be ‘normal’ size. But what is normal size? I don’t know as much as the next lady but what I do know Is there no such thing as the perfect weight. So a year gone August I quit making excuses, put off the Inevitable, dug out my will power and made the decision to join slimming world. It was something I had wanted to do for a while but like always in life there’s always something that gets in the way of our plans. ‘I’ll do it next week’, ‘I’ll start on Monday’ ‘weekends don’t count’. I’m not sure who we are trying to kid with these comical beliefs but our waist lines often tell different stories. So there I was, standing in the queue, Book in hand, guilt ridden and felt like I was waiting to be hung for a crime. What came next made me change the last 6 months of my life. I stepped off the scales, disgusted, shocked and annoyed at what I had seen, the first weeks were hard, feeding a big appetite on anything but what you want, swapping habits, crying over kit kats and teaching myself a new lifestyle. I’ve always been active, but when I came across some back issues it stopped me in my tracks quite literally. I’m not saying I was an athlete by any form but when you have to give up something you enjoy its shit. Plain and simple shit. Touche. BUT when life goes you lemons, you make detox Juice right? Or drink it with tequila, you know, whatever you prefer. So lemon choices aside here I am. 6 months later and over a stone lighter, happier and healthier and with a half empty wardrobe. Changing old habits isn’t easy, soul destroying at times, and as I found out on Thursday after I returned to class after 2 weeks off letting things slip, stuffing my face and Just generally thinking I was clever returned back to find I’m now 5lb off my target, feel like I’ve got a spare tyre and sinning that bludy white crusty tiger French stick that just happened to find its way into my gob the night before. So what did I do when I got home? Starved myself? Ate an apple? No, that would be far too dramatic, so instead Face planted a hidden mini lindt bunny, ate a few Malteaser squares and then cried. Twice. Weight isn’t everything, everyone is different, everyone has different views, opinions and philosophys and if you want to eat 10 packets of crisps or 20 mince pies, then albeit. Goals and achievements however make you what you are, they keep you on your toes, make us better people and show us that when we want to we really can put our mind to it and prove not only everyone else but most importantly we can do it for us. So I put 4lb on, yeah, but I enjoyed my 2 weeks with the people I love, eating food I adore and making memories which is what we were put here to do. Sometimes we need a little bump in the road to reset our minds, restart our motors and give us a big stiletto heel up our newly pert arses. We are women, we are born to support, Unite and get through the hardest of times not fall at the smallest hurdles and we don’t lose faith, we were born better than that, we are never alone in our battles and we sometimes forget just how far we have come on our journeys.

Travelling vibes

There’s just something about travelling that makes the world shine that little bit brighter on dull days. From being a young age adventure that something has been embedded deep within my soul, from an airport buzz to train kicks to open top bus thrills I’ve seen it all and I want to see so much more. Adventure is a massive part of my life, along with photography which thankfully fit pretty much hand in hand at every corner. From the greens of the fresh spring fields and crisp autumn leaves, capturing priceless moments, sharp blue skies and toes in the sand with shells kind of shots. It’s been said that I’m never happy unless I’m doing something, and there has never been truer words spoken. A lot of people don’t know my love for writing, nor did they no of my blog existence and here I am sharing my words with the world. J.K Rowling I ain’t, but there’s something therapeutic about sharing your passion with the world out there. So as I’m sat on the train watching the world go by on one of many planned trips this year I’m already excited for the thought of what’s in store. My heart races at the thought of new experiences. I learnt a few years back on my 6 week adventure to Asia that my inner self was at its best when I was seeing the World, swinging on beach swings, living in island bungalows, stroking tigers and bathing with beautiful elephants really does something for the soul. So I’ve been to Edinburgh, many of times that doesn’t stop me seeking out new sights, getting excited over hard rock cafe burgers and watching the world go by on the Royal mile. I’ve spent many of year working in the travel industry most recently for our flag carrying airline and yet can’t help get a pang of jealousy when people share there excitement for there year planned holidays and first time experiences, feeling a pang of happiness when I can share my love for so many destinations and beautiful cities.

Truth is I might never be rich, but I’ll always be enriched with memories of the world and that’s more than money will ever be worth 😊..

Travelling vibes

There’s just something about travelling that makes the world shine that little bit brighter on dull days. From being a young age adventure that something has been embedded deep within my soul, from an airport buzz to train kicks to open top bus thrills I’ve seen it all and I want to see so much more. Adventure is a massive part of my life, along with photography which thankfully fit pretty much hand in hand at every corner. From the greens of the fresh spring fields and crisp autumn leaves, capturing priceless moments, sharp blue skies and toes in the sand with shells kind of shots. It’s been said that I’m never happy unless I’m doing something, and there has never been truer words spoken. A lot of people don’t know my love for writing, nor did they no of my blog existence and here I am sharing my words with the world. J.K Rowling I ain’t, but there’s something therapeutic about sharing your passion with the world out there. So as I’m sat on the train watching the world go by on one of many planned trips this year I’m already excited for the thought of what’s in store. My heart races at the thought of new experiences. I learnt a few years back on my 6 week adventure to Asia that my inner self was at its best when I was seeing the World, swinging on beach swings, living in island bungalows, stroking tigers and bathing with beautiful elephants really does something for the soul. So I’ve been to Edinburgh, many of times that doesn’t stop me seeking out new sights, getting excited over hard rock cafe burgers and watching the world go by on the Royal mile. I’ve spent many of year working in the travel industry most recently for our flag carrying airline and yet can’t help get a pang of jealousy when people share there excitement for there year planned holidays and first time experiences, feeling a pang of happiness when I can share my love for so many destinations and beautiful cities.

Truth is I might never be rich, but I’ll always be enriched with memories of the world and that’s more than money will ever be worth 😊..

March’ing on

Wow. So it’s March, already. How did that happen right? God knows, but holy shit it’s gone quick. Too quick. Remember when you were a little and a year seemed like a long ass age? Well, Welcome to adult hood. Not all its cracked to up to be sometimes right? So I haven’t blogged for a while, and here I am. So it’s been a crazy few months, weeks are rolling into months and speeding there way from under our feet far far too quickly. Life scares me sometimes, like full on puts the shits up me. Things are great, then they aren’t great, then there awesome again. People break up who you think will never part, friends start buying houses, goldfish, having babies and doing crazy shit. I’m not naive in anyway, but if I could live my life from a suitcase on a life time of adventures and experiences that would be me. So I’m never in? Social butterfly if I do say, my life has always been a whirlwind and probably will continue to be so until I’m pushing up the roses (I like to be different and a daisy is sort of a weed). So the last 3 month have been crazy, I lost my best friend and luck behold I got him back, when you lose that piece of your jigsaw, that crucial edge or corner piece that completes your puzzle you just know its meant to be when everything slots perfectly back into place without any gaps or imperfections.So it’s been all go, and there’s still lots in store. I still occasionally get over come by a mid early life melt down that I’m still living at home at 27 and contemplate the fact that I’ll probably be 40 before i ever have kids or get married. What’s the rush? You tell me. It’s a scary age when all you hear about is kids, weddings and the latest diet. Frightening shit. So here I am, just me, going 90 mph at everything I do, getting frustrated with most things and making the most of life, every day off and opportunity I grab life by its big hairy balls and seek a new challenge and like to see new things. It’s March and I’m already in melt down about having no summer holidays planned, like it’s the complete end of the world, sometimes it pays to be spontaneous, take that drive, go for that job and book that one way ticket..Take a break from worrying about bills, and treat yourself. After all we only live once. ✌So on Tuesday we are venturing on a train Trip to Edinburgh, works been crazy and nothing makes me happier than smiles and laughter and the unexpected with my favourite person. What is life without adventures, oh for darling, so very boring and mundane 😊..

It’s a bad day, not a bad life..

We all have bad days right? Those days were we feeling like putting our coats on walking away from it all. We have days were we feel like standing up and screaming, sobbing quietly out of our shot, under the desk or maybe like a banshee in the middle of the office. Probably all of which I’ve done at sometime, if not at the same time. So 2016 started with a bang, there’s plenty good in the pipe line, things that fell apart are in the process of finding the glue that sticks the jigsaw back together, new things on the horizon and adventures and plans galore. So what’s wrong you ask? I’m alive and well and kicking, something at least to be thankful for considering the amount of hideous bad news of late. My mind kicked off with my perfectionist ocd went into melt down last week. When I’m striving and being challenged I’m at my peak, when I feel like I’m losing a battle or not succeeding it hits my world like a freight train. All of my life in could never imagined myself in a sales environment, and yet here I am. My life through a lens the last week I’ve felt like I’ve not been happy unless I’ve got something to worry About. My organised nature frustrated at things that can’t just be done there and then, my impatient nature mixed with my need to get things done there and then. Anxiety is a strange thing and before you know it you’ve mentally created a scenario in your head before even giving it a second thought, in the midst of 5 minutes I’d gone travelling all over again, found a new job and moved to the other side of the world..So things can be tough, what can’t, so as i sit in my midst of a work out after a heavy weekend of glorious food, cocktails and laughter, I find myself thinking, so fuck. Things break, things fix, you eat a burger, work that 5 minutes longer, your late for work, leave that 10 minutes earlier, you don’t hit that target that would have paid for next months debauchery, do that over time and grin and bear it. So goes the saying you get out what you put in, true and utter believer. So it’s February already, I love my job, I hate sitting however at a desk, my goals for 2016?Same as every year, give it my all, continue to work hard at the weight loss and ultimately getting my passion for photography work in the form of my own business off the ground and running. So it’s a long way off?But not totally out of site and that’s the top positive, and I’m still a stone lighter than this time last year so that’s always good..right.?Maybe I spend too much of my time worrying about everyone else and what everyone else wants, what people want to hear or see. This year is about me, it’s about putting myself to the test and pushing boundaries, having confidence in myself to believe in what I want to succeed in and enjoying it all costs, not every day is good, not every day is bad, but each day forward is a footstep forward in this wonderful, chaotic, off track journey of life, making fresh new footprints in the sand along the way..

Auld Lang Syne

So, it’s almost the end of December. Where did that go? Your guess is as good as mine. I live by the philosophy that life is too short as well as many other good people however I feel like I’m meeting myself coming backwards at the minute like a revolving carousel. In the run up to Christmas, my usual favourite festive month I didn’t have my eye on the ball this year, not as organised as usual and felt like the days were taking weeks to pass  Truthfully I wasn’t looking forward to it, it saddens me to say that but I wasn’t. It’s been a long two month but the last couple of weeks things are starting to look up,  I feel myself creeping back, my inner strength more reinforced than ever and my guard higher than the current flood gates. Christmas time is a time for reflection and to share with the special people in your life, Thankfully I have plenty of those, I might only have a small family but my friends make up the remainder. I can’t be more Thankful to the support each and every one of them have shown, both male and female, now I find a slight role reversal with the shoe on the other foot, being strong for not only myself but helping them through hard times and heart ache too. You see, words mean a lot to me, they define people and the world we live in and the fact that few words so little can turn someones day around in the space of a sentence blows me away. Making people feel better is something I love, it gives me a sense of encouragement and reward in life and the thought that someone isn’t battling something alone makes me sleep easier at night. Me? I was the girl that stressed, past tense. Who battles slight anxiety and as she’s writing in the space of a day has managed to remove half the inside of her lip at her own doing. She does things out of principle and learns in her own ways. Christmas has kept my mind busy and It was so nice to spend time with those who keep me afloat. Christmas day as always was a knock out, I never take it for granted that I’m so lucky, the other night I was passing through Newcastle and my heart broke at the sight of people in doorways and with eyes wide at the slight site of a soup kitchen and a meer duvet to keep them warm, no love, no heartfelt home and no festivity just sheer gratitude for something so small. Having had my mind occupied with various events over the yuletide celebrations it hasn’t given me much chance to reflect, in hindsight a godsend. But here the new year descends and the last day or so I’ve felt unsettled, reflected on memories and replayed words, tossing and turning wishing she had a chance to rewind and give 2015 another bash with everything she’s learnt in tow. When someone has been part of your life I guess it’s natural, a bit like a mourning, they aren’t there but the memories are, do they ever think about you? Do they remember everything like you do, do they miss the fun and the laughter and the company on the cold nights, she doesn’t ask cause what does it matter?I find myself awake at night asking questions I may never no, you could ask and not reply, that appears to be the general consensus of late. 2015 has been one hell of a year and despite anything bar recent events I would change nothing else, I learnt how to share and embrace life and learnt to love again, but all the same it’s a lesson learnt. I intend to see the new year in how I intend to continue it, as always making the most of life as i have since the day I arrived and if 2016 means going solo then so be it, anyone whose meant to be in your life will find there way, be your own hero, that way when things go wrong your the only one to blame. So at midnight on Thursday I’ll be raising a toast to all the memories made and the moments shared more than likely with a tearful sparkle in my eye to the people who have loved us and left us behind along the way for more reason than one, looking forward into the future with my eyes wide open and my heart tucked away ready to be the warrior she’s always been and maybe just maybe in time she will find someone who will restore her faith and trust in spoken words and Love. She has been and always will be the girl that can’t say she never tried. So whatever you are and whatever you do on NYE take a minute to reflect on those in your life and how much they mean, you never know when things might change 💛

Learning Curves

5 weeks. Doesn’t sound long does it? In reality, it’s not, when I look back to this time last year the last year seems like it’s gone in the blink of an eye, Another year ready to end and a new page ready to turn, new chapters ready to be written and memories ready to be made. It’s a Far cry from the ending I was ready and excited by far, but 5 weeks ago I thought the pain was never gonna end and here I am. It’s a true quote that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, cliché but spot on. From January to November I felt like my life was working against the clock, fighting to fit in Love, life and everything in it, Fueled like a rocket and ready to blast the future ahead. When I was a little girl a year sounded like a long time, if only we were still so young and naive, truth being the older I get the quicker and scarier they disappear in front of our own eyes. The last month? Has gone far from quick, I’ve felt like I’ve spent every day looking at the clock, watching the big hand tick round and clock every hour, from minute to second. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Maybe as they say times a healer, maybe I want to be healed, sometimes I look in the mirror and have to remind myself I have done this before. Having looked at every scenario from every angle in the space of however many days, it’s clear to say that even Van Gogh couldn’t paint a clear picture of the recent events my heart and I have endured all at the hands of one person. Its been far from an easy ride, it’s been hard, fucking hard, know one expects the rug to be pulled from beneath there feet or have there world turned upside down. The sad reality is, it happens every minute of every day all over the world. I’ve learnt things, things I thought I’d never learn, things I thought and controlled and never did, I’ve learned how to manage and cope and realise that there is more to life than worrying about things that quite frankly, are worth nothing. Like everything there’s good and bad days, some days I feel strong and level headed and ready to fight the world, other days my heart aches,.silently, wishing she could change the world, replaying the last however many months of her Life, scenarios, moments of laughter and joy and words shared, staring at that empty seat that was once filled with so much hope. But what good does it do her? We all know the answer. For weeks I missed my sparkle, missed hearing myself laugh and my eyes shine in the sun, this once happy go lucky girl feeling a shell of her once energetic self. After a few sleepless nights and a bit self convincing, I decided it was time to give my head a shake, the person that caused all this doubt and pain is not the same person you fell in love with all those months ago, it’s not the same person who shared those times or spoke those words. Sometimes things happen that make you sit up and think, shit, despite everything how lucky I am. In the space of 3 days I’d heard things from 3 friends that made me do just that. Moments like this make you stand back and reevaluate life, something that a lot of people rarely do, we all have problems, we all have things we don’t want to face or fears we don’t want to cross but truth is whatever your going through, there’s always someone troubled by something far worse. It’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.
Occupying the mind is a vicious circle, keeping busy and grounded is a toxic mix. I’ve never been one for staying in, I was born for adventure and fun and that’s what I’ve attempted to achieve for the last 27 years of my life much to the dismay of some jealous eyes. I enjoy life, so what? That’s my character and a huge part of my personality, it gives me a huge buzz to explore new things, cultures, hobbies and experiences, so goes my work hard play hard kinda motto. So for the last few weeks I’ve surrounded myself with those who feed my soul, show me the true meaning of friendship and learn me that lifes really all not that bad. On Tuesday I decided to go ice skating with my best friend, having not been since I was last a child’s school party I was interested to see the outcome and couldn’t wait to push everything to the back of my mind. In those few hours I found a little piece of myself return, coached by the one person whose always there to help me along the way, we laughed, and it felt good to feel the wind through my hair as I found confidence in myself to do something I’ve been afraid to try again following one fall. Spending time with friends helps enrich the soul and restore faith in things you feel can never be refound, it feels good to get reassurance and hope from those you might not see every day but you always know they are there, it doesn’t change how you feel but it gives you that glimmer of hope that things aren’t always going to be this way. So a week today it’s Christmas Day, my favorite time of the year, amongst the hectic chaos of life that is work and trying to fit everything in if anything I’m going to enjoy it, stay strong and keep my head up high, life has it’s ways of throwing us some harsh learning curves, but if we don’t fight through them, what have we learnt?

Strangers

We think we know it all, right? We think it will never happen to us, we think we know the reasons, the logic, we wonder why us, or where it went wrong, what did we do that caused so much uproar and heart ache. For the last few weeks I’ve had countless scenarios in my head, replayed words spoken a thousand times over and revisited memories that despite everything will never change. So this week I finally had to come face to face with the one person that only a month ago I would have stopped the world to spend 5 minutes with. Fronts are great until the tears show and the cracks appear and everything comes flooding back. All my life I’ve been this girl who would fight for who and what she loves, the warrior who wears her heart on her sleeve just to get it torn off time and time again. There’s many things I like to believe I can fix, make better or simply aid, sadly people’s pasts or state of minds is not one of them,. 6 month ago if you said I would be sat on a park bench like a complete stranger with the one person I thought I’d be sharing my forever with I would have laughed. Guess what, here I am. I’ve hurt, cried, shed tears, lost Sleep, lost the ability to eat, blamed myself for countless things and lost interest in the surrounding world and everything in it. The reality Is there are some things we can’t change in Life, no matter how hard we fight or try, sometimes there are things that can’t be erased or tippexed out. I’ve spent the last few weeks convincing myself I can do this, all the while crumbling a little at the thought of every memory and broken promise. The worst thing about drifting apart from someone you love is when you can’t do anything, nothing, zilch, jack shit. The person you once shared everything with becomes a shadow in the night, a face in the crowd,no other than a stranger. I guess that’s what I struggle with, not being to help people with things that are beyond your control is one thing, watching them become someone you never imagined they would is a whole new story. I grant myself lucky that I shared the time and memories i did with the person I once knew, but hate the fact that the loving, heartfelt charamistic gentleman I fell in love with appears to be now a figment of my imagination. How does that happen? Where does someone go? What are they thinking?That same person that made your soul ache with laughter now makes your heart ache with pain out of sheer frustration that you know They are so much Stronger and better than they anticipate. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that this is life and there isn’t a second chance or a get of jail card waiting at the next corner, it’s hard, what’s not in Life, I’m the first to admit I’m a bit of a ‘Get up and get on with it’ kinda girl. I’ve had heartbreaks, hell have I not, this one? Totally different league, I couldn’t even begin to explain the past or the hurt I’ve gone through when it comes to relationships in the past, unlucky is an understatement but they have made me the Young woman I am today. After a rough ride and 4 years single doing my own thing, travelling the world and researching my soul I finally found I was ready to face the world and look for love, scared and nervous of where to start. What lay next was 10 month, probably one of the, if not the best relationship I’ve ever shared, polar opposites in some aspects and best friends in everything else, sharing our world’s and learning new things every day.
We’ve been apart almost a month now and every day i still pick my phone up for my favourite morning messages, I still go to my speed dial on my breaks hoping to hear his voice and hear everything’s going to be OK, it’s a hard realisation when you figure the one person you shared everything with is no longer a part of you and even harder when you feel your now just another number in there phone book. Heartbreak is tiring and mentally draining, it sends your mind into over drive and your heart into melt down, it’s a long process and I know I’ve got a while before the forest clears and I can see the path again. There comes a time, however painful when you realise if someone wants you in their life they will try, if they need you they will make the effort, there might come a day when they even realise the carnage they caused. But that day might never come, you might never hear the words you want or make sense of everything that has happened, strength comes with time and time comes with life, so like every other time before she will pick up pace, keep her head on her shoulders and focus back into the game whilst surrounding herself with the beautiful people in her life that help make her life what it is, she will look back one day and realise how far she’s come, she will reflect on the memories and remember the person she once knew and the things she learnt along the way, making track on her own and trying to make sense of life along the way, you were strangers once before and here you are again. But you can’t help someone who refuses to let you in. What will be will be, and what’s meant to be will always find its way. Until then being strong is the only way she knows.

Bang My Head Against The Wall

They say life is a roller coaster, boy are they not wrong. After the midst of chaos that crashed down the last 3 weeks apparently there was more to come. After spending time feeling rock bottom for weeks, over thinking, contemplating life and finding relief and love in friends trying to fix the world back to some term of normality things were about to get shit.Again. So December’s arrived, hazy start after a horrible November and usually my favourite time of the year, Advent calenders to open, trees to put up, decorations to hang, cards handed out, presents to wrap, I love it, each and every bit, I’m the biggest kid going when it comes to Christmas. Truthfully my heart hasn’t felt into anything, felt tired, drained and exhausted and an thing else to go with it. So on Friday after a last minute decision to head to the works Christmas party putting th world to the back of my head after what was a good night filled with laughter and fun BANG my bag goes missing. Now I’ve never lost my belongings but I pray i never have to do again. Anyone who knows me knows it my connection to the world, my life line to the special people who keep my chin up along the way. Along with my house keys, my makeup, my money and just everything, after a distraught weekend, plenty of tears, hair pulling, more tears, lack of sleep and 2 visits from the police it’s seen returned. I am a sentimental person, everything holds memories, the thought of someone having those turned me inside out, photos,messages some that just yet your not quite ready to let go of. It’s no doubt the last month has been trying, and in the middle of all of this you get contact from the last person you expect with the most, mental how you can feel so I’ll at the thought of seeing someone who was such a big part of your life, your full world in fact, bringing memories flooding back and heartache at a touch. Truth is I’m tired of beating myself up, I’ve come to the conclusion in life that you could be the juicest peach in the world and there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches, part of you wants to scream and shout the other wants to walk away like a boss, tired of blaming myself and receiving a string of excuses that quite frankly just add to a whole list. If someone isn’t happy that’s there issue, if you can help, then hold there hand it they won’t let you then you have to accept that and move on however much it hurts, when there words mean nothing anymore it’s an awful thing, memories are the worst and best things sometimes and I’ve spent a lot of the last few weeks praying I could rewind to the beginning. Why? Is the question, to go through it all again? That feeling you get at the thought of them with someone else or the thought of having to love again is one that doesn’t take me lightly,it makes me feel physically sick, you wonder if they miss you, what they are doing, do they remember all the things said, do they regret things?.Do they think of the things you had planned and feel sad too?.The mind can be a powerful thing sometimes cruel, life is life and as they say what will be will be, when people share such close things your heart and mind forever wanders, it’s a hard game to play and the good will come with the bad. You can have so many wonderful words and love but everyone has to face there battles there own way, for me it kills thinking someone you can’t help but love probably barely gives you a second thought, you will always think cause of the hurt and damage they have caused that they will never care again, as they say times a healer, let’s get this clock ticking.