Tag Archives: mind

Bang My Head Against The Wall

They say life is a roller coaster, boy are they not wrong. After the midst of chaos that crashed down the last 3 weeks apparently there was more to come. After spending time feeling rock bottom for weeks, over thinking, contemplating life and finding relief and love in friends trying to fix the world back to some term of normality things were about to get shit.Again. So December’s arrived, hazy start after a horrible November and usually my favourite time of the year, Advent calenders to open, trees to put up, decorations to hang, cards handed out, presents to wrap, I love it, each and every bit, I’m the biggest kid going when it comes to Christmas. Truthfully my heart hasn’t felt into anything, felt tired, drained and exhausted and an thing else to go with it. So on Friday after a last minute decision to head to the works Christmas party putting th world to the back of my head after what was a good night filled with laughter and fun BANG my bag goes missing. Now I’ve never lost my belongings but I pray i never have to do again. Anyone who knows me knows it my connection to the world, my life line to the special people who keep my chin up along the way. Along with my house keys, my makeup, my money and just everything, after a distraught weekend, plenty of tears, hair pulling, more tears, lack of sleep and 2 visits from the police it’s seen returned. I am a sentimental person, everything holds memories, the thought of someone having those turned me inside out, photos,messages some that just yet your not quite ready to let go of. It’s no doubt the last month has been trying, and in the middle of all of this you get contact from the last person you expect with the most, mental how you can feel so I’ll at the thought of seeing someone who was such a big part of your life, your full world in fact, bringing memories flooding back and heartache at a touch. Truth is I’m tired of beating myself up, I’ve come to the conclusion in life that you could be the juicest peach in the world and there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches, part of you wants to scream and shout the other wants to walk away like a boss, tired of blaming myself and receiving a string of excuses that quite frankly just add to a whole list. If someone isn’t happy that’s there issue, if you can help, then hold there hand it they won’t let you then you have to accept that and move on however much it hurts, when there words mean nothing anymore it’s an awful thing, memories are the worst and best things sometimes and I’ve spent a lot of the last few weeks praying I could rewind to the beginning. Why? Is the question, to go through it all again? That feeling you get at the thought of them with someone else or the thought of having to love again is one that doesn’t take me lightly,it makes me feel physically sick, you wonder if they miss you, what they are doing, do they remember all the things said, do they regret things?.Do they think of the things you had planned and feel sad too?.The mind can be a powerful thing sometimes cruel, life is life and as they say what will be will be, when people share such close things your heart and mind forever wanders, it’s a hard game to play and the good will come with the bad. You can have so many wonderful words and love but everyone has to face there battles there own way, for me it kills thinking someone you can’t help but love probably barely gives you a second thought, you will always think cause of the hurt and damage they have caused that they will never care again, as they say times a healer, let’s get this clock ticking.

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Friends.Lovers or Nothing.

Words. What Powerful little suckers. They slip out of our mouths and are easier to type then they sometimes should be, and with one fine swoop things are done and said that can’t be taken back. For as long as I remember I have loved writing, that feeling that you can express your feelings and share it with the world without judgement or worry. Everywhere you look in life someone is battling something in there daily life or routine, that girl at the traffic lights with the thought of the world on her Shoulders wishing it would all go away, the guy staring aimlessly out of a water stained bus window watching the world pass by, the old guy trying to cross the road without holding the traffic. Whoever you are and wherever you are there’s always something that stops life turning every now and again. We all get those days where we don’t want to open our eyes to reality, stick the big toe into the freezing cold or face upto anything that we have to do that day. Truth is life is life, whatever demons, dangers and dragons that maybe lurking we get a one whole shot at it and nothing more. I’m not saying it’s easy, cause I know as well as the next person that’s not the case. Me? I like to think I’m a tough chocolate cookie, truthfully I’m as soft as the ice cream topping on your minchellas sundae and as emotional sometimes as the local running water works. Nothing hurts me more than not being able to help the ones I love. I am a firm believer however that if something is meant to be it will be, people make mistakes, play mind games, run away, do stupid things say stuff in the heat of the moment that’s a big walk in the park in such a small chapter of the book of life. As the old word goes you should never judge a book by its cover and one way or another we are all guilty of this at some point in our lives. I will always be the girl that helps and the one that tells it how it is, why change the habit of a life time, but I’m also the girl who wishes she could change the world. Life Is never easy nor will it ever be but shutting the world out doesn’t help as I I’ve found out only too well, people deal with things in different ways, I for example continue to tear myself to pieces until I get the answers I need, over analysing anything and everything, almost convincing myself in one way or another that this is the answer without asking the question in the first place. I’m the girl that will always seek reassurance in everything she does, demons? We all have them, I could spend my entire day getting ready for a night out and I’d still hate what I saw in the mirror, not skinny enough,not pretty enough, another fine trait of the world we live in, no matter how many compliments the mind is a funny old thing. Anxiety? Yup that Too, admitting it is easy, handling it not so much. Life is a funny and cruel thing, sometimes you spend it trying to figure out if you are strong enough to fight for what you want or have to be wise enough to make the best decision for your own sanity, if you spend your life living in your shadow you will never truly know the answer. Cause all the while your running, someone else is truly hurting, that same person that once shared your world is trying to piece there’s slowly back together.