Auld Lang Syne

So, it’s almost the end of December. Where did that go? Your guess is as good as mine. I live by the philosophy that life is too short as well as many other good people however I feel like I’m meeting myself coming backwards at the minute like a revolving carousel. In the run up to Christmas, my usual favourite festive month I didn’t have my eye on the ball this year, not as organised as usual and felt like the days were taking weeks to pass  Truthfully I wasn’t looking forward to it, it saddens me to say that but I wasn’t. It’s been a long two month but the last couple of weeks things are starting to look up,  I feel myself creeping back, my inner strength more reinforced than ever and my guard higher than the current flood gates. Christmas time is a time for reflection and to share with the special people in your life, Thankfully I have plenty of those, I might only have a small family but my friends make up the remainder. I can’t be more Thankful to the support each and every one of them have shown, both male and female, now I find a slight role reversal with the shoe on the other foot, being strong for not only myself but helping them through hard times and heart ache too. You see, words mean a lot to me, they define people and the world we live in and the fact that few words so little can turn someones day around in the space of a sentence blows me away. Making people feel better is something I love, it gives me a sense of encouragement and reward in life and the thought that someone isn’t battling something alone makes me sleep easier at night. Me? I was the girl that stressed, past tense. Who battles slight anxiety and as she’s writing in the space of a day has managed to remove half the inside of her lip at her own doing. She does things out of principle and learns in her own ways. Christmas has kept my mind busy and It was so nice to spend time with those who keep me afloat. Christmas day as always was a knock out, I never take it for granted that I’m so lucky, the other night I was passing through Newcastle and my heart broke at the sight of people in doorways and with eyes wide at the slight site of a soup kitchen and a meer duvet to keep them warm, no love, no heartfelt home and no festivity just sheer gratitude for something so small. Having had my mind occupied with various events over the yuletide celebrations it hasn’t given me much chance to reflect, in hindsight a godsend. But here the new year descends and the last day or so I’ve felt unsettled, reflected on memories and replayed words, tossing and turning wishing she had a chance to rewind and give 2015 another bash with everything she’s learnt in tow. When someone has been part of your life I guess it’s natural, a bit like a mourning, they aren’t there but the memories are, do they ever think about you? Do they remember everything like you do, do they miss the fun and the laughter and the company on the cold nights, she doesn’t ask cause what does it matter?I find myself awake at night asking questions I may never no, you could ask and not reply, that appears to be the general consensus of late. 2015 has been one hell of a year and despite anything bar recent events I would change nothing else, I learnt how to share and embrace life and learnt to love again, but all the same it’s a lesson learnt. I intend to see the new year in how I intend to continue it, as always making the most of life as i have since the day I arrived and if 2016 means going solo then so be it, anyone whose meant to be in your life will find there way, be your own hero, that way when things go wrong your the only one to blame. So at midnight on Thursday I’ll be raising a toast to all the memories made and the moments shared more than likely with a tearful sparkle in my eye to the people who have loved us and left us behind along the way for more reason than one, looking forward into the future with my eyes wide open and my heart tucked away ready to be the warrior she’s always been and maybe just maybe in time she will find someone who will restore her faith and trust in spoken words and Love. She has been and always will be the girl that can’t say she never tried. So whatever you are and whatever you do on NYE take a minute to reflect on those in your life and how much they mean, you never know when things might change 💛

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Learning Curves

5 weeks. Doesn’t sound long does it? In reality, it’s not, when I look back to this time last year the last year seems like it’s gone in the blink of an eye, Another year ready to end and a new page ready to turn, new chapters ready to be written and memories ready to be made. It’s a Far cry from the ending I was ready and excited by far, but 5 weeks ago I thought the pain was never gonna end and here I am. It’s a true quote that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, cliché but spot on. From January to November I felt like my life was working against the clock, fighting to fit in Love, life and everything in it, Fueled like a rocket and ready to blast the future ahead. When I was a little girl a year sounded like a long time, if only we were still so young and naive, truth being the older I get the quicker and scarier they disappear in front of our own eyes. The last month? Has gone far from quick, I’ve felt like I’ve spent every day looking at the clock, watching the big hand tick round and clock every hour, from minute to second. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Maybe as they say times a healer, maybe I want to be healed, sometimes I look in the mirror and have to remind myself I have done this before. Having looked at every scenario from every angle in the space of however many days, it’s clear to say that even Van Gogh couldn’t paint a clear picture of the recent events my heart and I have endured all at the hands of one person. Its been far from an easy ride, it’s been hard, fucking hard, know one expects the rug to be pulled from beneath there feet or have there world turned upside down. The sad reality is, it happens every minute of every day all over the world. I’ve learnt things, things I thought I’d never learn, things I thought and controlled and never did, I’ve learned how to manage and cope and realise that there is more to life than worrying about things that quite frankly, are worth nothing. Like everything there’s good and bad days, some days I feel strong and level headed and ready to fight the world, other days my heart aches,.silently, wishing she could change the world, replaying the last however many months of her Life, scenarios, moments of laughter and joy and words shared, staring at that empty seat that was once filled with so much hope. But what good does it do her? We all know the answer. For weeks I missed my sparkle, missed hearing myself laugh and my eyes shine in the sun, this once happy go lucky girl feeling a shell of her once energetic self. After a few sleepless nights and a bit self convincing, I decided it was time to give my head a shake, the person that caused all this doubt and pain is not the same person you fell in love with all those months ago, it’s not the same person who shared those times or spoke those words. Sometimes things happen that make you sit up and think, shit, despite everything how lucky I am. In the space of 3 days I’d heard things from 3 friends that made me do just that. Moments like this make you stand back and reevaluate life, something that a lot of people rarely do, we all have problems, we all have things we don’t want to face or fears we don’t want to cross but truth is whatever your going through, there’s always someone troubled by something far worse. It’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.
Occupying the mind is a vicious circle, keeping busy and grounded is a toxic mix. I’ve never been one for staying in, I was born for adventure and fun and that’s what I’ve attempted to achieve for the last 27 years of my life much to the dismay of some jealous eyes. I enjoy life, so what? That’s my character and a huge part of my personality, it gives me a huge buzz to explore new things, cultures, hobbies and experiences, so goes my work hard play hard kinda motto. So for the last few weeks I’ve surrounded myself with those who feed my soul, show me the true meaning of friendship and learn me that lifes really all not that bad. On Tuesday I decided to go ice skating with my best friend, having not been since I was last a child’s school party I was interested to see the outcome and couldn’t wait to push everything to the back of my mind. In those few hours I found a little piece of myself return, coached by the one person whose always there to help me along the way, we laughed, and it felt good to feel the wind through my hair as I found confidence in myself to do something I’ve been afraid to try again following one fall. Spending time with friends helps enrich the soul and restore faith in things you feel can never be refound, it feels good to get reassurance and hope from those you might not see every day but you always know they are there, it doesn’t change how you feel but it gives you that glimmer of hope that things aren’t always going to be this way. So a week today it’s Christmas Day, my favorite time of the year, amongst the hectic chaos of life that is work and trying to fit everything in if anything I’m going to enjoy it, stay strong and keep my head up high, life has it’s ways of throwing us some harsh learning curves, but if we don’t fight through them, what have we learnt?

Strangers

We think we know it all, right? We think it will never happen to us, we think we know the reasons, the logic, we wonder why us, or where it went wrong, what did we do that caused so much uproar and heart ache. For the last few weeks I’ve had countless scenarios in my head, replayed words spoken a thousand times over and revisited memories that despite everything will never change. So this week I finally had to come face to face with the one person that only a month ago I would have stopped the world to spend 5 minutes with. Fronts are great until the tears show and the cracks appear and everything comes flooding back. All my life I’ve been this girl who would fight for who and what she loves, the warrior who wears her heart on her sleeve just to get it torn off time and time again. There’s many things I like to believe I can fix, make better or simply aid, sadly people’s pasts or state of minds is not one of them,. 6 month ago if you said I would be sat on a park bench like a complete stranger with the one person I thought I’d be sharing my forever with I would have laughed. Guess what, here I am. I’ve hurt, cried, shed tears, lost Sleep, lost the ability to eat, blamed myself for countless things and lost interest in the surrounding world and everything in it. The reality Is there are some things we can’t change in Life, no matter how hard we fight or try, sometimes there are things that can’t be erased or tippexed out. I’ve spent the last few weeks convincing myself I can do this, all the while crumbling a little at the thought of every memory and broken promise. The worst thing about drifting apart from someone you love is when you can’t do anything, nothing, zilch, jack shit. The person you once shared everything with becomes a shadow in the night, a face in the crowd,no other than a stranger. I guess that’s what I struggle with, not being to help people with things that are beyond your control is one thing, watching them become someone you never imagined they would is a whole new story. I grant myself lucky that I shared the time and memories i did with the person I once knew, but hate the fact that the loving, heartfelt charamistic gentleman I fell in love with appears to be now a figment of my imagination. How does that happen? Where does someone go? What are they thinking?That same person that made your soul ache with laughter now makes your heart ache with pain out of sheer frustration that you know They are so much Stronger and better than they anticipate. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that this is life and there isn’t a second chance or a get of jail card waiting at the next corner, it’s hard, what’s not in Life, I’m the first to admit I’m a bit of a ‘Get up and get on with it’ kinda girl. I’ve had heartbreaks, hell have I not, this one? Totally different league, I couldn’t even begin to explain the past or the hurt I’ve gone through when it comes to relationships in the past, unlucky is an understatement but they have made me the Young woman I am today. After a rough ride and 4 years single doing my own thing, travelling the world and researching my soul I finally found I was ready to face the world and look for love, scared and nervous of where to start. What lay next was 10 month, probably one of the, if not the best relationship I’ve ever shared, polar opposites in some aspects and best friends in everything else, sharing our world’s and learning new things every day.
We’ve been apart almost a month now and every day i still pick my phone up for my favourite morning messages, I still go to my speed dial on my breaks hoping to hear his voice and hear everything’s going to be OK, it’s a hard realisation when you figure the one person you shared everything with is no longer a part of you and even harder when you feel your now just another number in there phone book. Heartbreak is tiring and mentally draining, it sends your mind into over drive and your heart into melt down, it’s a long process and I know I’ve got a while before the forest clears and I can see the path again. There comes a time, however painful when you realise if someone wants you in their life they will try, if they need you they will make the effort, there might come a day when they even realise the carnage they caused. But that day might never come, you might never hear the words you want or make sense of everything that has happened, strength comes with time and time comes with life, so like every other time before she will pick up pace, keep her head on her shoulders and focus back into the game whilst surrounding herself with the beautiful people in her life that help make her life what it is, she will look back one day and realise how far she’s come, she will reflect on the memories and remember the person she once knew and the things she learnt along the way, making track on her own and trying to make sense of life along the way, you were strangers once before and here you are again. But you can’t help someone who refuses to let you in. What will be will be, and what’s meant to be will always find its way. Until then being strong is the only way she knows.

Bang My Head Against The Wall

They say life is a roller coaster, boy are they not wrong. After the midst of chaos that crashed down the last 3 weeks apparently there was more to come. After spending time feeling rock bottom for weeks, over thinking, contemplating life and finding relief and love in friends trying to fix the world back to some term of normality things were about to get shit.Again. So December’s arrived, hazy start after a horrible November and usually my favourite time of the year, Advent calenders to open, trees to put up, decorations to hang, cards handed out, presents to wrap, I love it, each and every bit, I’m the biggest kid going when it comes to Christmas. Truthfully my heart hasn’t felt into anything, felt tired, drained and exhausted and an thing else to go with it. So on Friday after a last minute decision to head to the works Christmas party putting th world to the back of my head after what was a good night filled with laughter and fun BANG my bag goes missing. Now I’ve never lost my belongings but I pray i never have to do again. Anyone who knows me knows it my connection to the world, my life line to the special people who keep my chin up along the way. Along with my house keys, my makeup, my money and just everything, after a distraught weekend, plenty of tears, hair pulling, more tears, lack of sleep and 2 visits from the police it’s seen returned. I am a sentimental person, everything holds memories, the thought of someone having those turned me inside out, photos,messages some that just yet your not quite ready to let go of. It’s no doubt the last month has been trying, and in the middle of all of this you get contact from the last person you expect with the most, mental how you can feel so I’ll at the thought of seeing someone who was such a big part of your life, your full world in fact, bringing memories flooding back and heartache at a touch. Truth is I’m tired of beating myself up, I’ve come to the conclusion in life that you could be the juicest peach in the world and there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches, part of you wants to scream and shout the other wants to walk away like a boss, tired of blaming myself and receiving a string of excuses that quite frankly just add to a whole list. If someone isn’t happy that’s there issue, if you can help, then hold there hand it they won’t let you then you have to accept that and move on however much it hurts, when there words mean nothing anymore it’s an awful thing, memories are the worst and best things sometimes and I’ve spent a lot of the last few weeks praying I could rewind to the beginning. Why? Is the question, to go through it all again? That feeling you get at the thought of them with someone else or the thought of having to love again is one that doesn’t take me lightly,it makes me feel physically sick, you wonder if they miss you, what they are doing, do they remember all the things said, do they regret things?.Do they think of the things you had planned and feel sad too?.The mind can be a powerful thing sometimes cruel, life is life and as they say what will be will be, when people share such close things your heart and mind forever wanders, it’s a hard game to play and the good will come with the bad. You can have so many wonderful words and love but everyone has to face there battles there own way, for me it kills thinking someone you can’t help but love probably barely gives you a second thought, you will always think cause of the hurt and damage they have caused that they will never care again, as they say times a healer, let’s get this clock ticking.

Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

There’s many things in life that we will probably never understand, maybe due to our own ignorance, lack of understanding or just simply turning a blind eye on the busy road to life. Over the last 27 years I’ve learnt a lot, one thing being we hurt the people we love the most. Trust is something that has to be earned, it’s something some people give a lot easier than others. Relationships are the best and worst things that can happen to us in life, they help us find ourselves, share our love, make memories,break boundaries, taking each other through life experiences on the way and help make us better people. All of my life for as long as I can remember I’ve worn my heart right out on sleeve, soft as they come and open as you like, not afraid to look after myself or stand for what I feel but as open and honest as you will find. It comes with life traits that a lot of the time you expect the same from others too. So whats my story you ask? All my life I’ve been lucky, since the day I arrived I’ve been showered with love, every moment made special, every moment captured, Every holiday or Birthday celebrated with the utmost love and fun. Being an only child and a small family I’ve always Had support and more love than you can imagine, it breaks my heart for those who have never had that cause it’s a huge part of the the young woman I am today. I’ve had the pleasures of a comfortable home, a wonderful life, the chance to see amazing places and meet wonderful people along the way, it’s made me the character I am today and carries on in my passion thrown into whatever I do. Career wise not always so lucky,  my dreams were to be in the police force or stay in travel, the day I got a phone call to say my position for the police had been pulled due to cuts was the day my dream was swept away, all that hard work and determination taking away in thirty seconds, so here I am still in travel and giving it my All. I won’t say I’ve always been happy, I spent around 6 years in a job I detested everyday with people who only got anywhere who had a face that fitted, yup you guessed it that wasn’t me, from there I moved to a job that made it worth getting out of bed everyday, it gave me the air to breath and find my feet and get my confidence back to the level I needed to push forward and move to where I am today. When I was younger I said I would never work in a call centre, at least unless it was something I had any interest In, and here I am. Sitting at a desk isn’t really me, talking to people on the other hand really is, in one day you can be so many different things to so many different people, they don’t know you but sometimes share there every details like they’ve known you for years, to hear you’ve made there day really gives me a heartfelt feeling. This morning I took two calls, straight after the other the first a guy who had split with his girlfriend and the second a girl who had split with her boyfriend. My heart sunk and my throat choked, the tears wanted to fall harder than you can imagine knowing that complete stranger was sharing there story with you and feeling the same pain. Through my own pain I offered them best wishes and took them in return, just letting them know that even though they might feel it they are never alone, somebody, somewhere knows that feeling too.
You see for all my lucky things in life Love has never been one, heartbreak is something I know only too well and something I did not envisage visiting  right now. You see ten months ago someone walked into my life who set apart all the rest, all the boys who had promised me the world and the empty words. This time it was different, In a short space of time and without a day going by of messaging, you know the feeling, waking up to that cheesy morning text or seeing a missed call, an unread snap chat or a cheeky comment we shared so many memories. We became best friends, joked about each others tastes, no holds barred, just us facing the world. I love to life to the full and never make that a secret, we get one shot and I sure as hell would never waste it, I could shut my eyes tonight and not wake up tomorrow and I’d go to sleep happy cause I know that I’ve done as much as I can in a short space of time. When people come into our lives they don’t just enter our hearts they enter our families too something to me that is very special. This year I went on my first ever couples holiday and loved every minute, laughed liked a child, excited to share the passion for the world and new experiences. Parties? We went together, meals out? Everyone loves date night, and I can genuinely say for 10 months I enjoyed every moment and new tale to tell. That all changed when my world got turned on its head and our dreams got torn apart when just over 2 weeks ago that big part of me walked out the door, no signs, no nothing, just complete heartbreak and unforseen blame laid. Ever since then I’ve tried to find myself but can’t, I won’t erase photos and memories cause they were a part of my life that will always remain, they may be the past now but they will always be apart of my heart, I’ve tortured myself with what I could have done or said to make everything right, trawled through messages to see what I missed and spent sleepless nights trying to Piece my missing jigsaw puzzle back together just hoping it’s all a nightmare. I spent a week in the sun hiding behind shades and finding any excuse to nip back to the comfort of my room to cry a little more. When I returned I was faced with something I never expected when I didn’t think the pain could get any worse, I clung on to the last little bit of hope that maybe just maybe it was meant to be, that he would come round and we would be laughing about in a year’s time. Only it didn’t happen and again I was left with very little answers. Pain is hearing that someone you shared all those moments with didn’t make them Happy, the old it’s not you its me cliché, been there done that got the merchandise. For the last few weeks all I’ve wanted to do is sleep and hide, away from my out going personality from girl who loves to see the world smile and hear the laughter of happiness. I’ve been inundated with messages from friends old and new, phone calls from the most least expected people and words that have left me in tears, truth is despite all the memories this time was no different and rather than talk ran away from everything we both came to knew. Things get said in the heat of the Moment, anger, frustration and pain rears it’s head and it was finally time put it to bed. It’s hard, what in life is not, emotions and pain is not a great combination but everyone deals with how we know best. For me that will be time, for him it’s shutting out the world including me, ending such an enriched journey pained with heartbreak is never what I wished for, because I know deep im Worth so much more than that, nothing anyone says will lift the burden or clear the mind but I know eventually I’ll find it somewhere to accept everything and get back to being the girl I used to be, taking the world by its horns once again, and giving everything my all. So instead of planning what should have been our first Christmas together here I am Just hating that we are strangers adding everything to life experience and wishing dreams had never been broken by the one person she least expected.