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Learning Curves

5 weeks. Doesn’t sound long does it? In reality, it’s not, when I look back to this time last year the last year seems like it’s gone in the blink of an eye, Another year ready to end and a new page ready to turn, new chapters ready to be written and memories ready to be made. It’s a Far cry from the ending I was ready and excited by far, but 5 weeks ago I thought the pain was never gonna end and here I am. It’s a true quote that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, cliché but spot on. From January to November I felt like my life was working against the clock, fighting to fit in Love, life and everything in it, Fueled like a rocket and ready to blast the future ahead. When I was a little girl a year sounded like a long time, if only we were still so young and naive, truth being the older I get the quicker and scarier they disappear in front of our own eyes. The last month? Has gone far from quick, I’ve felt like I’ve spent every day looking at the clock, watching the big hand tick round and clock every hour, from minute to second. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Maybe as they say times a healer, maybe I want to be healed, sometimes I look in the mirror and have to remind myself I have done this before. Having looked at every scenario from every angle in the space of however many days, it’s clear to say that even Van Gogh couldn’t paint a clear picture of the recent events my heart and I have endured all at the hands of one person. Its been far from an easy ride, it’s been hard, fucking hard, know one expects the rug to be pulled from beneath there feet or have there world turned upside down. The sad reality is, it happens every minute of every day all over the world. I’ve learnt things, things I thought I’d never learn, things I thought and controlled and never did, I’ve learned how to manage and cope and realise that there is more to life than worrying about things that quite frankly, are worth nothing. Like everything there’s good and bad days, some days I feel strong and level headed and ready to fight the world, other days my heart aches,.silently, wishing she could change the world, replaying the last however many months of her Life, scenarios, moments of laughter and joy and words shared, staring at that empty seat that was once filled with so much hope. But what good does it do her? We all know the answer. For weeks I missed my sparkle, missed hearing myself laugh and my eyes shine in the sun, this once happy go lucky girl feeling a shell of her once energetic self. After a few sleepless nights and a bit self convincing, I decided it was time to give my head a shake, the person that caused all this doubt and pain is not the same person you fell in love with all those months ago, it’s not the same person who shared those times or spoke those words. Sometimes things happen that make you sit up and think, shit, despite everything how lucky I am. In the space of 3 days I’d heard things from 3 friends that made me do just that. Moments like this make you stand back and reevaluate life, something that a lot of people rarely do, we all have problems, we all have things we don’t want to face or fears we don’t want to cross but truth is whatever your going through, there’s always someone troubled by something far worse. It’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.
Occupying the mind is a vicious circle, keeping busy and grounded is a toxic mix. I’ve never been one for staying in, I was born for adventure and fun and that’s what I’ve attempted to achieve for the last 27 years of my life much to the dismay of some jealous eyes. I enjoy life, so what? That’s my character and a huge part of my personality, it gives me a huge buzz to explore new things, cultures, hobbies and experiences, so goes my work hard play hard kinda motto. So for the last few weeks I’ve surrounded myself with those who feed my soul, show me the true meaning of friendship and learn me that lifes really all not that bad. On Tuesday I decided to go ice skating with my best friend, having not been since I was last a child’s school party I was interested to see the outcome and couldn’t wait to push everything to the back of my mind. In those few hours I found a little piece of myself return, coached by the one person whose always there to help me along the way, we laughed, and it felt good to feel the wind through my hair as I found confidence in myself to do something I’ve been afraid to try again following one fall. Spending time with friends helps enrich the soul and restore faith in things you feel can never be refound, it feels good to get reassurance and hope from those you might not see every day but you always know they are there, it doesn’t change how you feel but it gives you that glimmer of hope that things aren’t always going to be this way. So a week today it’s Christmas Day, my favorite time of the year, amongst the hectic chaos of life that is work and trying to fit everything in if anything I’m going to enjoy it, stay strong and keep my head up high, life has it’s ways of throwing us some harsh learning curves, but if we don’t fight through them, what have we learnt?

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