Category Archives: soul searching

Auld Lang Syne

So, it’s almost the end of December. Where did that go? Your guess is as good as mine. I live by the philosophy that life is too short as well as many other good people however I feel like I’m meeting myself coming backwards at the minute like a revolving carousel. In the run up to Christmas, my usual favourite festive month I didn’t have my eye on the ball this year, not as organised as usual and felt like the days were taking weeks to pass  Truthfully I wasn’t looking forward to it, it saddens me to say that but I wasn’t. It’s been a long two month but the last couple of weeks things are starting to look up,  I feel myself creeping back, my inner strength more reinforced than ever and my guard higher than the current flood gates. Christmas time is a time for reflection and to share with the special people in your life, Thankfully I have plenty of those, I might only have a small family but my friends make up the remainder. I can’t be more Thankful to the support each and every one of them have shown, both male and female, now I find a slight role reversal with the shoe on the other foot, being strong for not only myself but helping them through hard times and heart ache too. You see, words mean a lot to me, they define people and the world we live in and the fact that few words so little can turn someones day around in the space of a sentence blows me away. Making people feel better is something I love, it gives me a sense of encouragement and reward in life and the thought that someone isn’t battling something alone makes me sleep easier at night. Me? I was the girl that stressed, past tense. Who battles slight anxiety and as she’s writing in the space of a day has managed to remove half the inside of her lip at her own doing. She does things out of principle and learns in her own ways. Christmas has kept my mind busy and It was so nice to spend time with those who keep me afloat. Christmas day as always was a knock out, I never take it for granted that I’m so lucky, the other night I was passing through Newcastle and my heart broke at the sight of people in doorways and with eyes wide at the slight site of a soup kitchen and a meer duvet to keep them warm, no love, no heartfelt home and no festivity just sheer gratitude for something so small. Having had my mind occupied with various events over the yuletide celebrations it hasn’t given me much chance to reflect, in hindsight a godsend. But here the new year descends and the last day or so I’ve felt unsettled, reflected on memories and replayed words, tossing and turning wishing she had a chance to rewind and give 2015 another bash with everything she’s learnt in tow. When someone has been part of your life I guess it’s natural, a bit like a mourning, they aren’t there but the memories are, do they ever think about you? Do they remember everything like you do, do they miss the fun and the laughter and the company on the cold nights, she doesn’t ask cause what does it matter?I find myself awake at night asking questions I may never no, you could ask and not reply, that appears to be the general consensus of late. 2015 has been one hell of a year and despite anything bar recent events I would change nothing else, I learnt how to share and embrace life and learnt to love again, but all the same it’s a lesson learnt. I intend to see the new year in how I intend to continue it, as always making the most of life as i have since the day I arrived and if 2016 means going solo then so be it, anyone whose meant to be in your life will find there way, be your own hero, that way when things go wrong your the only one to blame. So at midnight on Thursday I’ll be raising a toast to all the memories made and the moments shared more than likely with a tearful sparkle in my eye to the people who have loved us and left us behind along the way for more reason than one, looking forward into the future with my eyes wide open and my heart tucked away ready to be the warrior she’s always been and maybe just maybe in time she will find someone who will restore her faith and trust in spoken words and Love. She has been and always will be the girl that can’t say she never tried. So whatever you are and whatever you do on NYE take a minute to reflect on those in your life and how much they mean, you never know when things might change 💛

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32000 feet

And so here it is, the end of another adventure, what better place for writing inspiration at 32000 feet looking down on the world, cars like dots, people like ants and the sun only at an arms reach. I would be lying If I didn’t say this week hasn’t been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, through tears and frustration Trying to understand life, the world and everyone in it, thinking what could or should have been, Connecting with every song that happens to come on the radio, every lyric playing a part in recent events. I’d like to say it’s the first time I’ve been here but truth it isn’t, we all have our own demon, issues and things that some days we just can’t face and this wonderful roller coaster called life has great habit of bad timing of shaking your world like a snow globe and giving it back smashed to pieces. So what do you do when you get those days? You look at what you have and who you have around you, you tackle it head on, full steam ahead whilst saying I am brave enough to do this, through gritted teeth, tears and whatever else, balls go a long way. I have never asked for much from life just the usual health, love and happiness malarkey, lots of adventures (a few Mac lipsticks and new dresses) oh and honesty, big word right? For my world it’s a big part, if you dont have honesty you have nothing and there’s no firmer believer of that than yours truly. Sometimes I find myself being too honest, but that’s me and it’s a big part of my personality that has done me ok the last 27 years, in most aspects of life. So as I found myself back in front of passport control with a glum face and disappointment that it’s turn for reality to regain for a whole new host of reasons. They say you don’t know how strong you are until you have no other choice, sweet Jesus where they right.

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When words fail

Life, it’s a funny old thing. Writing has always enthralled me, but Like everything somewhere alone the line you never quite find the time to sit back and take five or put into words what you might want to say. Talking?I can do that no problem put me in a room full of people or on the end of a phone and I can guarantee you there will be no silence, plenty of sarcasm maybe.  Talking is my forte as those who surround me know only two well, I’ve learnt through life that it’s always best to be ho

nest,sometimes a little too honest, other times not enough. Truth is I’m great at talking people through there own problems, just not much dealing with my own. Making others feel better with words and sharing thoughts and love makes me a better person, a fortune teller once told me I Always have the ability to make people feel better, few people would probably beg to differ but it’s something that’s stuck with me ever since in my ever self critical mind in both my personal life and career, there’s something enriching about making people feel better, even if it’s only for a few minutes. Sometimes things happen that make you step back and re-evaluate life, make you realise what’s important,  what’s not and all the rest of that jazz. You only have to take a step back and look at what’s going on around the world every day to realise how precious life is.
All of my life I’ve been this feisty character, desperate to get everything done at the speed of light and always pushing that extra mile, I stress, who doesn’t, sometimes out of frustration with myself or others or just whatever reason I can find, more often than not getting on my own nerves in the process.taking anything out on those near to me never wanting to let down or cease a challenge whether it be the slightest thing. Truth is I live life on my toes, always seeking the next adventure and sharing the passion for the things I love, travel and photography being two of them, I’m a social media freak and love to share my life experiences with the world, what’s the shame,who doesn’t want to see the first starbucks xmas latte (interesting for someone who doesn’t like coffee) or your best mates latest purchase. Truth is this last week for the first time in a long time I have had no words, every emotion and a heavy heart watching the one who shared my every moment for the last 9 month walk out the door, I’ve been surrounded by the most beautiful people worth there weight in gold whilst adamant to shut myself away from everything i know but sometimes you find yourself been on the end of those words you often find yourself delivering only for them to echo around aimlessly like the wind through a tin shed. Sometimes you want to shut the world out, in the last 4 days I’ve mentally packed a back pack 6 times over and purchased a one way ticket outta here. As the counting crows once Said, you don’t know what it got till its gone but part of you will spend however long you need to find the words and ways and whatever else you might never find the answers your looking for, but part of you will never stop trying to make it right. For the first time in a long time, words fail me.
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