Wow. So it’s March, already. How did that happen right? God knows, but holy shit it’s gone quick. Too quick. Remember when you were a little and a year seemed like a long ass age? Well, Welcome to adult hood. Not all its cracked to up to be sometimes right? So I haven’t blogged for a while, and here I am. So it’s been a crazy few months, weeks are rolling into months and speeding there way from under our feet far far too quickly. Life scares me sometimes, like full on puts the shits up me. Things are great, then they aren’t great, then there awesome again. People break up who you think will never part, friends start buying houses, goldfish, having babies and doing crazy shit. I’m not naive in anyway, but if I could live my life from a suitcase on a life time of adventures and experiences that would be me. So I’m never in? Social butterfly if I do say, my life has always been a whirlwind and probably will continue to be so until I’m pushing up the roses (I like to be different and a daisy is sort of a weed). So the last 3 month have been crazy, I lost my best friend and luck behold I got him back, when you lose that piece of your jigsaw, that crucial edge or corner piece that completes your puzzle you just know its meant to be when everything slots perfectly back into place without any gaps or imperfections.So it’s been all go, and there’s still lots in store. I still occasionally get over come by a mid early life melt down that I’m still living at home at 27 and contemplate the fact that I’ll probably be 40 before i ever have kids or get married. What’s the rush? You tell me. It’s a scary age when all you hear about is kids, weddings and the latest diet. Frightening shit. So here I am, just me, going 90 mph at everything I do, getting frustrated with most things and making the most of life, every day off and opportunity I grab life by its big hairy balls and seek a new challenge and like to see new things. It’s March and I’m already in melt down about having no summer holidays planned, like it’s the complete end of the world, sometimes it pays to be spontaneous, take that drive, go for that job and book that one way ticket..Take a break from worrying about bills, and treat yourself. After all we only live once. ✌So on Tuesday we are venturing on a train Trip to Edinburgh, works been crazy and nothing makes me happier than smiles and laughter and the unexpected with my favourite person. What is life without adventures, oh for darling, so very boring and mundane 😊..
So, it’s almost the end of December. Where did that go? Your guess is as good as mine. I live by the philosophy that life is too short as well as many other good people however I feel like I’m meeting myself coming backwards at the minute like a revolving carousel. In the run up to Christmas, my usual favourite festive month I didn’t have my eye on the ball this year, not as organised as usual and felt like the days were taking weeks to pass Truthfully I wasn’t looking forward to it, it saddens me to say that but I wasn’t. It’s been a long two month but the last couple of weeks things are starting to look up, I feel myself creeping back, my inner strength more reinforced than ever and my guard higher than the current flood gates. Christmas time is a time for reflection and to share with the special people in your life, Thankfully I have plenty of those, I might only have a small family but my friends make up the remainder. I can’t be more Thankful to the support each and every one of them have shown, both male and female, now I find a slight role reversal with the shoe on the other foot, being strong for not only myself but helping them through hard times and heart ache too. You see, words mean a lot to me, they define people and the world we live in and the fact that few words so little can turn someones day around in the space of a sentence blows me away. Making people feel better is something I love, it gives me a sense of encouragement and reward in life and the thought that someone isn’t battling something alone makes me sleep easier at night. Me? I was the girl that stressed, past tense. Who battles slight anxiety and as she’s writing in the space of a day has managed to remove half the inside of her lip at her own doing. She does things out of principle and learns in her own ways. Christmas has kept my mind busy and It was so nice to spend time with those who keep me afloat. Christmas day as always was a knock out, I never take it for granted that I’m so lucky, the other night I was passing through Newcastle and my heart broke at the sight of people in doorways and with eyes wide at the slight site of a soup kitchen and a meer duvet to keep them warm, no love, no heartfelt home and no festivity just sheer gratitude for something so small. Having had my mind occupied with various events over the yuletide celebrations it hasn’t given me much chance to reflect, in hindsight a godsend. But here the new year descends and the last day or so I’ve felt unsettled, reflected on memories and replayed words, tossing and turning wishing she had a chance to rewind and give 2015 another bash with everything she’s learnt in tow. When someone has been part of your life I guess it’s natural, a bit like a mourning, they aren’t there but the memories are, do they ever think about you? Do they remember everything like you do, do they miss the fun and the laughter and the company on the cold nights, she doesn’t ask cause what does it matter?I find myself awake at night asking questions I may never no, you could ask and not reply, that appears to be the general consensus of late. 2015 has been one hell of a year and despite anything bar recent events I would change nothing else, I learnt how to share and embrace life and learnt to love again, but all the same it’s a lesson learnt. I intend to see the new year in how I intend to continue it, as always making the most of life as i have since the day I arrived and if 2016 means going solo then so be it, anyone whose meant to be in your life will find there way, be your own hero, that way when things go wrong your the only one to blame. So at midnight on Thursday I’ll be raising a toast to all the memories made and the moments shared more than likely with a tearful sparkle in my eye to the people who have loved us and left us behind along the way for more reason than one, looking forward into the future with my eyes wide open and my heart tucked away ready to be the warrior she’s always been and maybe just maybe in time she will find someone who will restore her faith and trust in spoken words and Love. She has been and always will be the girl that can’t say she never tried. So whatever you are and whatever you do on NYE take a minute to reflect on those in your life and how much they mean, you never know when things might change 💛
We think we know it all, right? We think it will never happen to us, we think we know the reasons, the logic, we wonder why us, or where it went wrong, what did we do that caused so much uproar and heart ache. For the last few weeks I’ve had countless scenarios in my head, replayed words spoken a thousand times over and revisited memories that despite everything will never change. So this week I finally had to come face to face with the one person that only a month ago I would have stopped the world to spend 5 minutes with. Fronts are great until the tears show and the cracks appear and everything comes flooding back. All my life I’ve been this girl who would fight for who and what she loves, the warrior who wears her heart on her sleeve just to get it torn off time and time again. There’s many things I like to believe I can fix, make better or simply aid, sadly people’s pasts or state of minds is not one of them,. 6 month ago if you said I would be sat on a park bench like a complete stranger with the one person I thought I’d be sharing my forever with I would have laughed. Guess what, here I am. I’ve hurt, cried, shed tears, lost Sleep, lost the ability to eat, blamed myself for countless things and lost interest in the surrounding world and everything in it. The reality Is there are some things we can’t change in Life, no matter how hard we fight or try, sometimes there are things that can’t be erased or tippexed out. I’ve spent the last few weeks convincing myself I can do this, all the while crumbling a little at the thought of every memory and broken promise. The worst thing about drifting apart from someone you love is when you can’t do anything, nothing, zilch, jack shit. The person you once shared everything with becomes a shadow in the night, a face in the crowd,no other than a stranger. I guess that’s what I struggle with, not being to help people with things that are beyond your control is one thing, watching them become someone you never imagined they would is a whole new story. I grant myself lucky that I shared the time and memories i did with the person I once knew, but hate the fact that the loving, heartfelt charamistic gentleman I fell in love with appears to be now a figment of my imagination. How does that happen? Where does someone go? What are they thinking?That same person that made your soul ache with laughter now makes your heart ache with pain out of sheer frustration that you know They are so much Stronger and better than they anticipate. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that this is life and there isn’t a second chance or a get of jail card waiting at the next corner, it’s hard, what’s not in Life, I’m the first to admit I’m a bit of a ‘Get up and get on with it’ kinda girl. I’ve had heartbreaks, hell have I not, this one? Totally different league, I couldn’t even begin to explain the past or the hurt I’ve gone through when it comes to relationships in the past, unlucky is an understatement but they have made me the Young woman I am today. After a rough ride and 4 years single doing my own thing, travelling the world and researching my soul I finally found I was ready to face the world and look for love, scared and nervous of where to start. What lay next was 10 month, probably one of the, if not the best relationship I’ve ever shared, polar opposites in some aspects and best friends in everything else, sharing our world’s and learning new things every day.
We’ve been apart almost a month now and every day i still pick my phone up for my favourite morning messages, I still go to my speed dial on my breaks hoping to hear his voice and hear everything’s going to be OK, it’s a hard realisation when you figure the one person you shared everything with is no longer a part of you and even harder when you feel your now just another number in there phone book. Heartbreak is tiring and mentally draining, it sends your mind into over drive and your heart into melt down, it’s a long process and I know I’ve got a while before the forest clears and I can see the path again. There comes a time, however painful when you realise if someone wants you in their life they will try, if they need you they will make the effort, there might come a day when they even realise the carnage they caused. But that day might never come, you might never hear the words you want or make sense of everything that has happened, strength comes with time and time comes with life, so like every other time before she will pick up pace, keep her head on her shoulders and focus back into the game whilst surrounding herself with the beautiful people in her life that help make her life what it is, she will look back one day and realise how far she’s come, she will reflect on the memories and remember the person she once knew and the things she learnt along the way, making track on her own and trying to make sense of life along the way, you were strangers once before and here you are again. But you can’t help someone who refuses to let you in. What will be will be, and what’s meant to be will always find its way. Until then being strong is the only way she knows.
Words. What Powerful little suckers. They slip out of our mouths and are easier to type then they sometimes should be, and with one fine swoop things are done and said that can’t be taken back. For as long as I remember I have loved writing, that feeling that you can express your feelings and share it with the world without judgement or worry. Everywhere you look in life someone is battling something in there daily life or routine, that girl at the traffic lights with the thought of the world on her Shoulders wishing it would all go away, the guy staring aimlessly out of a water stained bus window watching the world pass by, the old guy trying to cross the road without holding the traffic. Whoever you are and wherever you are there’s always something that stops life turning every now and again. We all get those days where we don’t want to open our eyes to reality, stick the big toe into the freezing cold or face upto anything that we have to do that day. Truth is life is life, whatever demons, dangers and dragons that maybe lurking we get a one whole shot at it and nothing more. I’m not saying it’s easy, cause I know as well as the next person that’s not the case. Me? I like to think I’m a tough chocolate cookie, truthfully I’m as soft as the ice cream topping on your minchellas sundae and as emotional sometimes as the local running water works. Nothing hurts me more than not being able to help the ones I love. I am a firm believer however that if something is meant to be it will be, people make mistakes, play mind games, run away, do stupid things say stuff in the heat of the moment that’s a big walk in the park in such a small chapter of the book of life. As the old word goes you should never judge a book by its cover and one way or another we are all guilty of this at some point in our lives. I will always be the girl that helps and the one that tells it how it is, why change the habit of a life time, but I’m also the girl who wishes she could change the world. Life Is never easy nor will it ever be but shutting the world out doesn’t help as I I’ve found out only too well, people deal with things in different ways, I for example continue to tear myself to pieces until I get the answers I need, over analysing anything and everything, almost convincing myself in one way or another that this is the answer without asking the question in the first place. I’m the girl that will always seek reassurance in everything she does, demons? We all have them, I could spend my entire day getting ready for a night out and I’d still hate what I saw in the mirror, not skinny enough,not pretty enough, another fine trait of the world we live in, no matter how many compliments the mind is a funny old thing. Anxiety? Yup that Too, admitting it is easy, handling it not so much. Life is a funny and cruel thing, sometimes you spend it trying to figure out if you are strong enough to fight for what you want or have to be wise enough to make the best decision for your own sanity, if you spend your life living in your shadow you will never truly know the answer. Cause all the while your running, someone else is truly hurting, that same person that once shared your world is trying to piece there’s slowly back together.