We all have bad days right? Those days were we feeling like putting our coats on walking away from it all. We have days were we feel like standing up and screaming, sobbing quietly out of our shot, under the desk or maybe like a banshee in the middle of the office. Probably all of which I’ve done at sometime, if not at the same time. So 2016 started with a bang, there’s plenty good in the pipe line, things that fell apart are in the process of finding the glue that sticks the jigsaw back together, new things on the horizon and adventures and plans galore. So what’s wrong you ask? I’m alive and well and kicking, something at least to be thankful for considering the amount of hideous bad news of late. My mind kicked off with my perfectionist ocd went into melt down last week. When I’m striving and being challenged I’m at my peak, when I feel like I’m losing a battle or not succeeding it hits my world like a freight train. All of my life in could never imagined myself in a sales environment, and yet here I am. My life through a lens the last week I’ve felt like I’ve not been happy unless I’ve got something to worry About. My organised nature frustrated at things that can’t just be done there and then, my impatient nature mixed with my need to get things done there and then. Anxiety is a strange thing and before you know it you’ve mentally created a scenario in your head before even giving it a second thought, in the midst of 5 minutes I’d gone travelling all over again, found a new job and moved to the other side of the world..So things can be tough, what can’t, so as i sit in my midst of a work out after a heavy weekend of glorious food, cocktails and laughter, I find myself thinking, so fuck. Things break, things fix, you eat a burger, work that 5 minutes longer, your late for work, leave that 10 minutes earlier, you don’t hit that target that would have paid for next months debauchery, do that over time and grin and bear it. So goes the saying you get out what you put in, true and utter believer. So it’s February already, I love my job, I hate sitting however at a desk, my goals for 2016?Same as every year, give it my all, continue to work hard at the weight loss and ultimately getting my passion for photography work in the form of my own business off the ground and running. So it’s a long way off?But not totally out of site and that’s the top positive, and I’m still a stone lighter than this time last year so that’s always good..right.?Maybe I spend too much of my time worrying about everyone else and what everyone else wants, what people want to hear or see. This year is about me, it’s about putting myself to the test and pushing boundaries, having confidence in myself to believe in what I want to succeed in and enjoying it all costs, not every day is good, not every day is bad, but each day forward is a footstep forward in this wonderful, chaotic, off track journey of life, making fresh new footprints in the sand along the way..
They say life is a roller coaster, boy are they not wrong. After the midst of chaos that crashed down the last 3 weeks apparently there was more to come. After spending time feeling rock bottom for weeks, over thinking, contemplating life and finding relief and love in friends trying to fix the world back to some term of normality things were about to get shit.Again. So December’s arrived, hazy start after a horrible November and usually my favourite time of the year, Advent calenders to open, trees to put up, decorations to hang, cards handed out, presents to wrap, I love it, each and every bit, I’m the biggest kid going when it comes to Christmas. Truthfully my heart hasn’t felt into anything, felt tired, drained and exhausted and an thing else to go with it. So on Friday after a last minute decision to head to the works Christmas party putting th world to the back of my head after what was a good night filled with laughter and fun BANG my bag goes missing. Now I’ve never lost my belongings but I pray i never have to do again. Anyone who knows me knows it my connection to the world, my life line to the special people who keep my chin up along the way. Along with my house keys, my makeup, my money and just everything, after a distraught weekend, plenty of tears, hair pulling, more tears, lack of sleep and 2 visits from the police it’s seen returned. I am a sentimental person, everything holds memories, the thought of someone having those turned me inside out, photos,messages some that just yet your not quite ready to let go of. It’s no doubt the last month has been trying, and in the middle of all of this you get contact from the last person you expect with the most, mental how you can feel so I’ll at the thought of seeing someone who was such a big part of your life, your full world in fact, bringing memories flooding back and heartache at a touch. Truth is I’m tired of beating myself up, I’ve come to the conclusion in life that you could be the juicest peach in the world and there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches, part of you wants to scream and shout the other wants to walk away like a boss, tired of blaming myself and receiving a string of excuses that quite frankly just add to a whole list. If someone isn’t happy that’s there issue, if you can help, then hold there hand it they won’t let you then you have to accept that and move on however much it hurts, when there words mean nothing anymore it’s an awful thing, memories are the worst and best things sometimes and I’ve spent a lot of the last few weeks praying I could rewind to the beginning. Why? Is the question, to go through it all again? That feeling you get at the thought of them with someone else or the thought of having to love again is one that doesn’t take me lightly,it makes me feel physically sick, you wonder if they miss you, what they are doing, do they remember all the things said, do they regret things?.Do they think of the things you had planned and feel sad too?.The mind can be a powerful thing sometimes cruel, life is life and as they say what will be will be, when people share such close things your heart and mind forever wanders, it’s a hard game to play and the good will come with the bad. You can have so many wonderful words and love but everyone has to face there battles there own way, for me it kills thinking someone you can’t help but love probably barely gives you a second thought, you will always think cause of the hurt and damage they have caused that they will never care again, as they say times a healer, let’s get this clock ticking.