Memories and Memoirs

Memories. That little world. So much meaning and so much thought. They are the best and worst thing that can happen to us in a pretty similar way to love. The last two weeks my heart has ached a whole mix of emotions, tears, hurt, Frustration, blame, anger. Feelings are something we can’t switch off however hard we try, there’s only so many times people can tell you your strong and will get through something, when someone has been a part of your life they etch a part of your heart that’s never taken away. Everywhere you look there’s a reminder of a memory you made or a moment you shared, the dreams you promised each other and the daft moments that you know know one else would understand, you scroll through photos, messages and anything you can find trying to make sense of whatever you can, trying to get answers and understanding and wishing you still woke up to those messages and feeling their kiss on your nose . Truth is I am probably stronger than I know but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it when the world’s crashing around you. Like many I’ve been here before, this time I swore it was different and I’d never see those days again, oh how wrong I could be. A song on the radio, a soft toy a simple photo they all bring that pain to the surface and although you know beating yourself up won’t help, yup we do it anyway. Truth is I’m tired of pain and tears and I’m tired of analysing everything that should or could have been, I’ll never get tired of fighting cause I was born with it in my blood, so tonight for the long time in a while she’s drying her eyes and putting on her favourite mac and digging her heels into her knee high boots she will share love and stories with her best friend on a dance floor that cannot judge. She’s facing the world for herself and nobody else, because people who love us will always truly try and she knows this best friend will never break her heart.

Friends.Lovers or Nothing.

Words. What Powerful little suckers. They slip out of our mouths and are easier to type then they sometimes should be, and with one fine swoop things are done and said that can’t be taken back. For as long as I remember I have loved writing, that feeling that you can express your feelings and share it with the world without judgement or worry. Everywhere you look in life someone is battling something in there daily life or routine, that girl at the traffic lights with the thought of the world on her Shoulders wishing it would all go away, the guy staring aimlessly out of a water stained bus window watching the world pass by, the old guy trying to cross the road without holding the traffic. Whoever you are and wherever you are there’s always something that stops life turning every now and again. We all get those days where we don’t want to open our eyes to reality, stick the big toe into the freezing cold or face upto anything that we have to do that day. Truth is life is life, whatever demons, dangers and dragons that maybe lurking we get a one whole shot at it and nothing more. I’m not saying it’s easy, cause I know as well as the next person that’s not the case. Me? I like to think I’m a tough chocolate cookie, truthfully I’m as soft as the ice cream topping on your minchellas sundae and as emotional sometimes as the local running water works. Nothing hurts me more than not being able to help the ones I love. I am a firm believer however that if something is meant to be it will be, people make mistakes, play mind games, run away, do stupid things say stuff in the heat of the moment that’s a big walk in the park in such a small chapter of the book of life. As the old word goes you should never judge a book by its cover and one way or another we are all guilty of this at some point in our lives. I will always be the girl that helps and the one that tells it how it is, why change the habit of a life time, but I’m also the girl who wishes she could change the world. Life Is never easy nor will it ever be but shutting the world out doesn’t help as I I’ve found out only too well, people deal with things in different ways, I for example continue to tear myself to pieces until I get the answers I need, over analysing anything and everything, almost convincing myself in one way or another that this is the answer without asking the question in the first place. I’m the girl that will always seek reassurance in everything she does, demons? We all have them, I could spend my entire day getting ready for a night out and I’d still hate what I saw in the mirror, not skinny enough,not pretty enough, another fine trait of the world we live in, no matter how many compliments the mind is a funny old thing. Anxiety? Yup that Too, admitting it is easy, handling it not so much. Life is a funny and cruel thing, sometimes you spend it trying to figure out if you are strong enough to fight for what you want or have to be wise enough to make the best decision for your own sanity, if you spend your life living in your shadow you will never truly know the answer. Cause all the while your running, someone else is truly hurting, that same person that once shared your world is trying to piece there’s slowly back together.

32000 feet

And so here it is, the end of another adventure, what better place for writing inspiration at 32000 feet looking down on the world, cars like dots, people like ants and the sun only at an arms reach. I would be lying If I didn’t say this week hasn’t been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, through tears and frustration Trying to understand life, the world and everyone in it, thinking what could or should have been, Connecting with every song that happens to come on the radio, every lyric playing a part in recent events. I’d like to say it’s the first time I’ve been here but truth it isn’t, we all have our own demon, issues and things that some days we just can’t face and this wonderful roller coaster called life has great habit of bad timing of shaking your world like a snow globe and giving it back smashed to pieces. So what do you do when you get those days? You look at what you have and who you have around you, you tackle it head on, full steam ahead whilst saying I am brave enough to do this, through gritted teeth, tears and whatever else, balls go a long way. I have never asked for much from life just the usual health, love and happiness malarkey, lots of adventures (a few Mac lipsticks and new dresses) oh and honesty, big word right? For my world it’s a big part, if you dont have honesty you have nothing and there’s no firmer believer of that than yours truly. Sometimes I find myself being too honest, but that’s me and it’s a big part of my personality that has done me ok the last 27 years, in most aspects of life. So as I found myself back in front of passport control with a glum face and disappointment that it’s turn for reality to regain for a whole new host of reasons. They say you don’t know how strong you are until you have no other choice, sweet Jesus where they right.

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Travelling soul

There’s many things that I love in life,  Travel being the wholesome passion I hold, it enriches the soul and makes everything you might be running away from seem like a drop of water in a pretty big ocean in the wonderful world of life. I remember in my 6 weeks of seeing the wonderful sights of Asia lying on a beach praying it would never come to an end, wishing normality wouldn’t return and that I could stay plodding along in the sunshine  seeing only the worlds wonders. Travel is a massive part of my soul from the local culture to cuisine I’m a typical travelling tourist with a love for seeing the world. So as I sit in the sun dreading the reality to return watching life go by drinking my pint of San Miguel like there’s not a care in the world Wondering what the world has in store next. Memories are precious and whichever way you look or whatever way they end they will always be there, after all we learn from our mistakes right? They add to our catalouge of life and make us the people we are today. I’m not one for all this new me new shit, personally there’s no time like the present, but being my competitive self I like to learn from my mistakes. I’m the type of girl who will spend her entire life judging what she’s done, beating herself up, what could have gone wrong, what did she do, what did she say, turning herself inside outside with blame, what could have been and feeling unworthy that she will ever find a fairy tale and watching someone you can’t help but love become a stranger. Truth is you could be the most flawless person in the world and there will always be someone to pick a fault, there will always be that one person waiting in the wings to take away what you had and nine times out of ten there not half the person you will ever be. Sometimes hiding behind shades so know one see the tears, and sometimes longing to hear everything will be alright. You could wait forever for people to answer your questions and waste your time trying to help even when you know it will be refused, no matter what changes I’ll always be the girl who fights for what she has and fights for what she does, if it’s not important it doesn’t matter,let it go, ride it out and go with the soul. Never say its too late and always be honest Cause one day you won’t wake up at all and that is my only true fear in life.

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When words fail

Life, it’s a funny old thing. Writing has always enthralled me, but Like everything somewhere alone the line you never quite find the time to sit back and take five or put into words what you might want to say. Talking?I can do that no problem put me in a room full of people or on the end of a phone and I can guarantee you there will be no silence, plenty of sarcasm maybe.  Talking is my forte as those who surround me know only two well, I’ve learnt through life that it’s always best to be ho

nest,sometimes a little too honest, other times not enough. Truth is I’m great at talking people through there own problems, just not much dealing with my own. Making others feel better with words and sharing thoughts and love makes me a better person, a fortune teller once told me I Always have the ability to make people feel better, few people would probably beg to differ but it’s something that’s stuck with me ever since in my ever self critical mind in both my personal life and career, there’s something enriching about making people feel better, even if it’s only for a few minutes. Sometimes things happen that make you step back and re-evaluate life, make you realise what’s important,  what’s not and all the rest of that jazz. You only have to take a step back and look at what’s going on around the world every day to realise how precious life is.
All of my life I’ve been this feisty character, desperate to get everything done at the speed of light and always pushing that extra mile, I stress, who doesn’t, sometimes out of frustration with myself or others or just whatever reason I can find, more often than not getting on my own nerves in the process.taking anything out on those near to me never wanting to let down or cease a challenge whether it be the slightest thing. Truth is I live life on my toes, always seeking the next adventure and sharing the passion for the things I love, travel and photography being two of them, I’m a social media freak and love to share my life experiences with the world, what’s the shame,who doesn’t want to see the first starbucks xmas latte (interesting for someone who doesn’t like coffee) or your best mates latest purchase. Truth is this last week for the first time in a long time I have had no words, every emotion and a heavy heart watching the one who shared my every moment for the last 9 month walk out the door, I’ve been surrounded by the most beautiful people worth there weight in gold whilst adamant to shut myself away from everything i know but sometimes you find yourself been on the end of those words you often find yourself delivering only for them to echo around aimlessly like the wind through a tin shed. Sometimes you want to shut the world out, in the last 4 days I’ve mentally packed a back pack 6 times over and purchased a one way ticket outta here. As the counting crows once Said, you don’t know what it got till its gone but part of you will spend however long you need to find the words and ways and whatever else you might never find the answers your looking for, but part of you will never stop trying to make it right. For the first time in a long time, words fail me.
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