Strangers

We think we know it all, right? We think it will never happen to us, we think we know the reasons, the logic, we wonder why us, or where it went wrong, what did we do that caused so much uproar and heart ache. For the last few weeks I’ve had countless scenarios in my head, replayed words spoken a thousand times over and revisited memories that despite everything will never change. So this week I finally had to come face to face with the one person that only a month ago I would have stopped the world to spend 5 minutes with. Fronts are great until the tears show and the cracks appear and everything comes flooding back. All my life I’ve been this girl who would fight for who and what she loves, the warrior who wears her heart on her sleeve just to get it torn off time and time again. There’s many things I like to believe I can fix, make better or simply aid, sadly people’s pasts or state of minds is not one of them,. 6 month ago if you said I would be sat on a park bench like a complete stranger with the one person I thought I’d be sharing my forever with I would have laughed. Guess what, here I am. I’ve hurt, cried, shed tears, lost Sleep, lost the ability to eat, blamed myself for countless things and lost interest in the surrounding world and everything in it. The reality Is there are some things we can’t change in Life, no matter how hard we fight or try, sometimes there are things that can’t be erased or tippexed out. I’ve spent the last few weeks convincing myself I can do this, all the while crumbling a little at the thought of every memory and broken promise. The worst thing about drifting apart from someone you love is when you can’t do anything, nothing, zilch, jack shit. The person you once shared everything with becomes a shadow in the night, a face in the crowd,no other than a stranger. I guess that’s what I struggle with, not being to help people with things that are beyond your control is one thing, watching them become someone you never imagined they would is a whole new story. I grant myself lucky that I shared the time and memories i did with the person I once knew, but hate the fact that the loving, heartfelt charamistic gentleman I fell in love with appears to be now a figment of my imagination. How does that happen? Where does someone go? What are they thinking?That same person that made your soul ache with laughter now makes your heart ache with pain out of sheer frustration that you know They are so much Stronger and better than they anticipate. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that this is life and there isn’t a second chance or a get of jail card waiting at the next corner, it’s hard, what’s not in Life, I’m the first to admit I’m a bit of a ‘Get up and get on with it’ kinda girl. I’ve had heartbreaks, hell have I not, this one? Totally different league, I couldn’t even begin to explain the past or the hurt I’ve gone through when it comes to relationships in the past, unlucky is an understatement but they have made me the Young woman I am today. After a rough ride and 4 years single doing my own thing, travelling the world and researching my soul I finally found I was ready to face the world and look for love, scared and nervous of where to start. What lay next was 10 month, probably one of the, if not the best relationship I’ve ever shared, polar opposites in some aspects and best friends in everything else, sharing our world’s and learning new things every day.
We’ve been apart almost a month now and every day i still pick my phone up for my favourite morning messages, I still go to my speed dial on my breaks hoping to hear his voice and hear everything’s going to be OK, it’s a hard realisation when you figure the one person you shared everything with is no longer a part of you and even harder when you feel your now just another number in there phone book. Heartbreak is tiring and mentally draining, it sends your mind into over drive and your heart into melt down, it’s a long process and I know I’ve got a while before the forest clears and I can see the path again. There comes a time, however painful when you realise if someone wants you in their life they will try, if they need you they will make the effort, there might come a day when they even realise the carnage they caused. But that day might never come, you might never hear the words you want or make sense of everything that has happened, strength comes with time and time comes with life, so like every other time before she will pick up pace, keep her head on her shoulders and focus back into the game whilst surrounding herself with the beautiful people in her life that help make her life what it is, she will look back one day and realise how far she’s come, she will reflect on the memories and remember the person she once knew and the things she learnt along the way, making track on her own and trying to make sense of life along the way, you were strangers once before and here you are again. But you can’t help someone who refuses to let you in. What will be will be, and what’s meant to be will always find its way. Until then being strong is the only way she knows.

Bang My Head Against The Wall

They say life is a roller coaster, boy are they not wrong. After the midst of chaos that crashed down the last 3 weeks apparently there was more to come. After spending time feeling rock bottom for weeks, over thinking, contemplating life and finding relief and love in friends trying to fix the world back to some term of normality things were about to get shit.Again. So December’s arrived, hazy start after a horrible November and usually my favourite time of the year, Advent calenders to open, trees to put up, decorations to hang, cards handed out, presents to wrap, I love it, each and every bit, I’m the biggest kid going when it comes to Christmas. Truthfully my heart hasn’t felt into anything, felt tired, drained and exhausted and an thing else to go with it. So on Friday after a last minute decision to head to the works Christmas party putting th world to the back of my head after what was a good night filled with laughter and fun BANG my bag goes missing. Now I’ve never lost my belongings but I pray i never have to do again. Anyone who knows me knows it my connection to the world, my life line to the special people who keep my chin up along the way. Along with my house keys, my makeup, my money and just everything, after a distraught weekend, plenty of tears, hair pulling, more tears, lack of sleep and 2 visits from the police it’s seen returned. I am a sentimental person, everything holds memories, the thought of someone having those turned me inside out, photos,messages some that just yet your not quite ready to let go of. It’s no doubt the last month has been trying, and in the middle of all of this you get contact from the last person you expect with the most, mental how you can feel so I’ll at the thought of seeing someone who was such a big part of your life, your full world in fact, bringing memories flooding back and heartache at a touch. Truth is I’m tired of beating myself up, I’ve come to the conclusion in life that you could be the juicest peach in the world and there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches, part of you wants to scream and shout the other wants to walk away like a boss, tired of blaming myself and receiving a string of excuses that quite frankly just add to a whole list. If someone isn’t happy that’s there issue, if you can help, then hold there hand it they won’t let you then you have to accept that and move on however much it hurts, when there words mean nothing anymore it’s an awful thing, memories are the worst and best things sometimes and I’ve spent a lot of the last few weeks praying I could rewind to the beginning. Why? Is the question, to go through it all again? That feeling you get at the thought of them with someone else or the thought of having to love again is one that doesn’t take me lightly,it makes me feel physically sick, you wonder if they miss you, what they are doing, do they remember all the things said, do they regret things?.Do they think of the things you had planned and feel sad too?.The mind can be a powerful thing sometimes cruel, life is life and as they say what will be will be, when people share such close things your heart and mind forever wanders, it’s a hard game to play and the good will come with the bad. You can have so many wonderful words and love but everyone has to face there battles there own way, for me it kills thinking someone you can’t help but love probably barely gives you a second thought, you will always think cause of the hurt and damage they have caused that they will never care again, as they say times a healer, let’s get this clock ticking.

Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

There’s many things in life that we will probably never understand, maybe due to our own ignorance, lack of understanding or just simply turning a blind eye on the busy road to life. Over the last 27 years I’ve learnt a lot, one thing being we hurt the people we love the most. Trust is something that has to be earned, it’s something some people give a lot easier than others. Relationships are the best and worst things that can happen to us in life, they help us find ourselves, share our love, make memories,break boundaries, taking each other through life experiences on the way and help make us better people. All of my life for as long as I can remember I’ve worn my heart right out on sleeve, soft as they come and open as you like, not afraid to look after myself or stand for what I feel but as open and honest as you will find. It comes with life traits that a lot of the time you expect the same from others too. So whats my story you ask? All my life I’ve been lucky, since the day I arrived I’ve been showered with love, every moment made special, every moment captured, Every holiday or Birthday celebrated with the utmost love and fun. Being an only child and a small family I’ve always Had support and more love than you can imagine, it breaks my heart for those who have never had that cause it’s a huge part of the the young woman I am today. I’ve had the pleasures of a comfortable home, a wonderful life, the chance to see amazing places and meet wonderful people along the way, it’s made me the character I am today and carries on in my passion thrown into whatever I do. Career wise not always so lucky,  my dreams were to be in the police force or stay in travel, the day I got a phone call to say my position for the police had been pulled due to cuts was the day my dream was swept away, all that hard work and determination taking away in thirty seconds, so here I am still in travel and giving it my All. I won’t say I’ve always been happy, I spent around 6 years in a job I detested everyday with people who only got anywhere who had a face that fitted, yup you guessed it that wasn’t me, from there I moved to a job that made it worth getting out of bed everyday, it gave me the air to breath and find my feet and get my confidence back to the level I needed to push forward and move to where I am today. When I was younger I said I would never work in a call centre, at least unless it was something I had any interest In, and here I am. Sitting at a desk isn’t really me, talking to people on the other hand really is, in one day you can be so many different things to so many different people, they don’t know you but sometimes share there every details like they’ve known you for years, to hear you’ve made there day really gives me a heartfelt feeling. This morning I took two calls, straight after the other the first a guy who had split with his girlfriend and the second a girl who had split with her boyfriend. My heart sunk and my throat choked, the tears wanted to fall harder than you can imagine knowing that complete stranger was sharing there story with you and feeling the same pain. Through my own pain I offered them best wishes and took them in return, just letting them know that even though they might feel it they are never alone, somebody, somewhere knows that feeling too.
You see for all my lucky things in life Love has never been one, heartbreak is something I know only too well and something I did not envisage visiting  right now. You see ten months ago someone walked into my life who set apart all the rest, all the boys who had promised me the world and the empty words. This time it was different, In a short space of time and without a day going by of messaging, you know the feeling, waking up to that cheesy morning text or seeing a missed call, an unread snap chat or a cheeky comment we shared so many memories. We became best friends, joked about each others tastes, no holds barred, just us facing the world. I love to life to the full and never make that a secret, we get one shot and I sure as hell would never waste it, I could shut my eyes tonight and not wake up tomorrow and I’d go to sleep happy cause I know that I’ve done as much as I can in a short space of time. When people come into our lives they don’t just enter our hearts they enter our families too something to me that is very special. This year I went on my first ever couples holiday and loved every minute, laughed liked a child, excited to share the passion for the world and new experiences. Parties? We went together, meals out? Everyone loves date night, and I can genuinely say for 10 months I enjoyed every moment and new tale to tell. That all changed when my world got turned on its head and our dreams got torn apart when just over 2 weeks ago that big part of me walked out the door, no signs, no nothing, just complete heartbreak and unforseen blame laid. Ever since then I’ve tried to find myself but can’t, I won’t erase photos and memories cause they were a part of my life that will always remain, they may be the past now but they will always be apart of my heart, I’ve tortured myself with what I could have done or said to make everything right, trawled through messages to see what I missed and spent sleepless nights trying to Piece my missing jigsaw puzzle back together just hoping it’s all a nightmare. I spent a week in the sun hiding behind shades and finding any excuse to nip back to the comfort of my room to cry a little more. When I returned I was faced with something I never expected when I didn’t think the pain could get any worse, I clung on to the last little bit of hope that maybe just maybe it was meant to be, that he would come round and we would be laughing about in a year’s time. Only it didn’t happen and again I was left with very little answers. Pain is hearing that someone you shared all those moments with didn’t make them Happy, the old it’s not you its me cliché, been there done that got the merchandise. For the last few weeks all I’ve wanted to do is sleep and hide, away from my out going personality from girl who loves to see the world smile and hear the laughter of happiness. I’ve been inundated with messages from friends old and new, phone calls from the most least expected people and words that have left me in tears, truth is despite all the memories this time was no different and rather than talk ran away from everything we both came to knew. Things get said in the heat of the Moment, anger, frustration and pain rears it’s head and it was finally time put it to bed. It’s hard, what in life is not, emotions and pain is not a great combination but everyone deals with how we know best. For me that will be time, for him it’s shutting out the world including me, ending such an enriched journey pained with heartbreak is never what I wished for, because I know deep im Worth so much more than that, nothing anyone says will lift the burden or clear the mind but I know eventually I’ll find it somewhere to accept everything and get back to being the girl I used to be, taking the world by its horns once again, and giving everything my all. So instead of planning what should have been our first Christmas together here I am Just hating that we are strangers adding everything to life experience and wishing dreams had never been broken by the one person she least expected.

Memories and Memoirs

Memories. That little world. So much meaning and so much thought. They are the best and worst thing that can happen to us in a pretty similar way to love. The last two weeks my heart has ached a whole mix of emotions, tears, hurt, Frustration, blame, anger. Feelings are something we can’t switch off however hard we try, there’s only so many times people can tell you your strong and will get through something, when someone has been a part of your life they etch a part of your heart that’s never taken away. Everywhere you look there’s a reminder of a memory you made or a moment you shared, the dreams you promised each other and the daft moments that you know know one else would understand, you scroll through photos, messages and anything you can find trying to make sense of whatever you can, trying to get answers and understanding and wishing you still woke up to those messages and feeling their kiss on your nose . Truth is I am probably stronger than I know but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it when the world’s crashing around you. Like many I’ve been here before, this time I swore it was different and I’d never see those days again, oh how wrong I could be. A song on the radio, a soft toy a simple photo they all bring that pain to the surface and although you know beating yourself up won’t help, yup we do it anyway. Truth is I’m tired of pain and tears and I’m tired of analysing everything that should or could have been, I’ll never get tired of fighting cause I was born with it in my blood, so tonight for the long time in a while she’s drying her eyes and putting on her favourite mac and digging her heels into her knee high boots she will share love and stories with her best friend on a dance floor that cannot judge. She’s facing the world for herself and nobody else, because people who love us will always truly try and she knows this best friend will never break her heart.

Friends.Lovers or Nothing.

Words. What Powerful little suckers. They slip out of our mouths and are easier to type then they sometimes should be, and with one fine swoop things are done and said that can’t be taken back. For as long as I remember I have loved writing, that feeling that you can express your feelings and share it with the world without judgement or worry. Everywhere you look in life someone is battling something in there daily life or routine, that girl at the traffic lights with the thought of the world on her Shoulders wishing it would all go away, the guy staring aimlessly out of a water stained bus window watching the world pass by, the old guy trying to cross the road without holding the traffic. Whoever you are and wherever you are there’s always something that stops life turning every now and again. We all get those days where we don’t want to open our eyes to reality, stick the big toe into the freezing cold or face upto anything that we have to do that day. Truth is life is life, whatever demons, dangers and dragons that maybe lurking we get a one whole shot at it and nothing more. I’m not saying it’s easy, cause I know as well as the next person that’s not the case. Me? I like to think I’m a tough chocolate cookie, truthfully I’m as soft as the ice cream topping on your minchellas sundae and as emotional sometimes as the local running water works. Nothing hurts me more than not being able to help the ones I love. I am a firm believer however that if something is meant to be it will be, people make mistakes, play mind games, run away, do stupid things say stuff in the heat of the moment that’s a big walk in the park in such a small chapter of the book of life. As the old word goes you should never judge a book by its cover and one way or another we are all guilty of this at some point in our lives. I will always be the girl that helps and the one that tells it how it is, why change the habit of a life time, but I’m also the girl who wishes she could change the world. Life Is never easy nor will it ever be but shutting the world out doesn’t help as I I’ve found out only too well, people deal with things in different ways, I for example continue to tear myself to pieces until I get the answers I need, over analysing anything and everything, almost convincing myself in one way or another that this is the answer without asking the question in the first place. I’m the girl that will always seek reassurance in everything she does, demons? We all have them, I could spend my entire day getting ready for a night out and I’d still hate what I saw in the mirror, not skinny enough,not pretty enough, another fine trait of the world we live in, no matter how many compliments the mind is a funny old thing. Anxiety? Yup that Too, admitting it is easy, handling it not so much. Life is a funny and cruel thing, sometimes you spend it trying to figure out if you are strong enough to fight for what you want or have to be wise enough to make the best decision for your own sanity, if you spend your life living in your shadow you will never truly know the answer. Cause all the while your running, someone else is truly hurting, that same person that once shared your world is trying to piece there’s slowly back together.

32000 feet

And so here it is, the end of another adventure, what better place for writing inspiration at 32000 feet looking down on the world, cars like dots, people like ants and the sun only at an arms reach. I would be lying If I didn’t say this week hasn’t been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, through tears and frustration Trying to understand life, the world and everyone in it, thinking what could or should have been, Connecting with every song that happens to come on the radio, every lyric playing a part in recent events. I’d like to say it’s the first time I’ve been here but truth it isn’t, we all have our own demon, issues and things that some days we just can’t face and this wonderful roller coaster called life has great habit of bad timing of shaking your world like a snow globe and giving it back smashed to pieces. So what do you do when you get those days? You look at what you have and who you have around you, you tackle it head on, full steam ahead whilst saying I am brave enough to do this, through gritted teeth, tears and whatever else, balls go a long way. I have never asked for much from life just the usual health, love and happiness malarkey, lots of adventures (a few Mac lipsticks and new dresses) oh and honesty, big word right? For my world it’s a big part, if you dont have honesty you have nothing and there’s no firmer believer of that than yours truly. Sometimes I find myself being too honest, but that’s me and it’s a big part of my personality that has done me ok the last 27 years, in most aspects of life. So as I found myself back in front of passport control with a glum face and disappointment that it’s turn for reality to regain for a whole new host of reasons. They say you don’t know how strong you are until you have no other choice, sweet Jesus where they right.

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Travelling soul

There’s many things that I love in life,  Travel being the wholesome passion I hold, it enriches the soul and makes everything you might be running away from seem like a drop of water in a pretty big ocean in the wonderful world of life. I remember in my 6 weeks of seeing the wonderful sights of Asia lying on a beach praying it would never come to an end, wishing normality wouldn’t return and that I could stay plodding along in the sunshine  seeing only the worlds wonders. Travel is a massive part of my soul from the local culture to cuisine I’m a typical travelling tourist with a love for seeing the world. So as I sit in the sun dreading the reality to return watching life go by drinking my pint of San Miguel like there’s not a care in the world Wondering what the world has in store next. Memories are precious and whichever way you look or whatever way they end they will always be there, after all we learn from our mistakes right? They add to our catalouge of life and make us the people we are today. I’m not one for all this new me new shit, personally there’s no time like the present, but being my competitive self I like to learn from my mistakes. I’m the type of girl who will spend her entire life judging what she’s done, beating herself up, what could have gone wrong, what did she do, what did she say, turning herself inside outside with blame, what could have been and feeling unworthy that she will ever find a fairy tale and watching someone you can’t help but love become a stranger. Truth is you could be the most flawless person in the world and there will always be someone to pick a fault, there will always be that one person waiting in the wings to take away what you had and nine times out of ten there not half the person you will ever be. Sometimes hiding behind shades so know one see the tears, and sometimes longing to hear everything will be alright. You could wait forever for people to answer your questions and waste your time trying to help even when you know it will be refused, no matter what changes I’ll always be the girl who fights for what she has and fights for what she does, if it’s not important it doesn’t matter,let it go, ride it out and go with the soul. Never say its too late and always be honest Cause one day you won’t wake up at all and that is my only true fear in life.

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