Strangers

We think we know it all, right? We think it will never happen to us, we think we know the reasons, the logic, we wonder why us, or where it went wrong, what did we do that caused so much uproar and heart ache. For the last few weeks I’ve had countless scenarios in my head, replayed words spoken a thousand times over and revisited memories that despite everything will never change. So this week I finally had to come face to face with the one person that only a month ago I would have stopped the world to spend 5 minutes with. Fronts are great until the tears show and the cracks appear and everything comes flooding back. All my life I’ve been this girl who would fight for who and what she loves, the warrior who wears her heart on her sleeve just to get it torn off time and time again. There’s many things I like to believe I can fix, make better or simply aid, sadly people’s pasts or state of minds is not one of them,. 6 month ago if you said I would be sat on a park bench like a complete stranger with the one person I thought I’d be sharing my forever with I would have laughed. Guess what, here I am. I’ve hurt, cried, shed tears, lost Sleep, lost the ability to eat, blamed myself for countless things and lost interest in the surrounding world and everything in it. The reality Is there are some things we can’t change in Life, no matter how hard we fight or try, sometimes there are things that can’t be erased or tippexed out. I’ve spent the last few weeks convincing myself I can do this, all the while crumbling a little at the thought of every memory and broken promise. The worst thing about drifting apart from someone you love is when you can’t do anything, nothing, zilch, jack shit. The person you once shared everything with becomes a shadow in the night, a face in the crowd,no other than a stranger. I guess that’s what I struggle with, not being to help people with things that are beyond your control is one thing, watching them become someone you never imagined they would is a whole new story. I grant myself lucky that I shared the time and memories i did with the person I once knew, but hate the fact that the loving, heartfelt charamistic gentleman I fell in love with appears to be now a figment of my imagination. How does that happen? Where does someone go? What are they thinking?That same person that made your soul ache with laughter now makes your heart ache with pain out of sheer frustration that you know They are so much Stronger and better than they anticipate. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that this is life and there isn’t a second chance or a get of jail card waiting at the next corner, it’s hard, what’s not in Life, I’m the first to admit I’m a bit of a ‘Get up and get on with it’ kinda girl. I’ve had heartbreaks, hell have I not, this one? Totally different league, I couldn’t even begin to explain the past or the hurt I’ve gone through when it comes to relationships in the past, unlucky is an understatement but they have made me the Young woman I am today. After a rough ride and 4 years single doing my own thing, travelling the world and researching my soul I finally found I was ready to face the world and look for love, scared and nervous of where to start. What lay next was 10 month, probably one of the, if not the best relationship I’ve ever shared, polar opposites in some aspects and best friends in everything else, sharing our world’s and learning new things every day.
We’ve been apart almost a month now and every day i still pick my phone up for my favourite morning messages, I still go to my speed dial on my breaks hoping to hear his voice and hear everything’s going to be OK, it’s a hard realisation when you figure the one person you shared everything with is no longer a part of you and even harder when you feel your now just another number in there phone book. Heartbreak is tiring and mentally draining, it sends your mind into over drive and your heart into melt down, it’s a long process and I know I’ve got a while before the forest clears and I can see the path again. There comes a time, however painful when you realise if someone wants you in their life they will try, if they need you they will make the effort, there might come a day when they even realise the carnage they caused. But that day might never come, you might never hear the words you want or make sense of everything that has happened, strength comes with time and time comes with life, so like every other time before she will pick up pace, keep her head on her shoulders and focus back into the game whilst surrounding herself with the beautiful people in her life that help make her life what it is, she will look back one day and realise how far she’s come, she will reflect on the memories and remember the person she once knew and the things she learnt along the way, making track on her own and trying to make sense of life along the way, you were strangers once before and here you are again. But you can’t help someone who refuses to let you in. What will be will be, and what’s meant to be will always find its way. Until then being strong is the only way she knows.

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