We all have bad days right? Those days were we feeling like putting our coats on walking away from it all. We have days were we feel like standing up and screaming, sobbing quietly out of our shot, under the desk or maybe like a banshee in the middle of the office. Probably all of which I’ve done at sometime, if not at the same time. So 2016 started with a bang, there’s plenty good in the pipe line, things that fell apart are in the process of finding the glue that sticks the jigsaw back together, new things on the horizon and adventures and plans galore. So what’s wrong you ask? I’m alive and well and kicking, something at least to be thankful for considering the amount of hideous bad news of late. My mind kicked off with my perfectionist ocd went into melt down last week. When I’m striving and being challenged I’m at my peak, when I feel like I’m losing a battle or not succeeding it hits my world like a freight train. All of my life in could never imagined myself in a sales environment, and yet here I am. My life through a lens the last week I’ve felt like I’ve not been happy unless I’ve got something to worry About. My organised nature frustrated at things that can’t just be done there and then, my impatient nature mixed with my need to get things done there and then. Anxiety is a strange thing and before you know it you’ve mentally created a scenario in your head before even giving it a second thought, in the midst of 5 minutes I’d gone travelling all over again, found a new job and moved to the other side of the world..So things can be tough, what can’t, so as i sit in my midst of a work out after a heavy weekend of glorious food, cocktails and laughter, I find myself thinking, so fuck. Things break, things fix, you eat a burger, work that 5 minutes longer, your late for work, leave that 10 minutes earlier, you don’t hit that target that would have paid for next months debauchery, do that over time and grin and bear it. So goes the saying you get out what you put in, true and utter believer. So it’s February already, I love my job, I hate sitting however at a desk, my goals for 2016?Same as every year, give it my all, continue to work hard at the weight loss and ultimately getting my passion for photography work in the form of my own business off the ground and running. So it’s a long way off?But not totally out of site and that’s the top positive, and I’m still a stone lighter than this time last year so that’s always good..right.?Maybe I spend too much of my time worrying about everyone else and what everyone else wants, what people want to hear or see. This year is about me, it’s about putting myself to the test and pushing boundaries, having confidence in myself to believe in what I want to succeed in and enjoying it all costs, not every day is good, not every day is bad, but each day forward is a footstep forward in this wonderful, chaotic, off track journey of life, making fresh new footprints in the sand along the way..
So, it’s almost the end of December. Where did that go? Your guess is as good as mine. I live by the philosophy that life is too short as well as many other good people however I feel like I’m meeting myself coming backwards at the minute like a revolving carousel. In the run up to Christmas, my usual favourite festive month I didn’t have my eye on the ball this year, not as organised as usual and felt like the days were taking weeks to pass Truthfully I wasn’t looking forward to it, it saddens me to say that but I wasn’t. It’s been a long two month but the last couple of weeks things are starting to look up, I feel myself creeping back, my inner strength more reinforced than ever and my guard higher than the current flood gates. Christmas time is a time for reflection and to share with the special people in your life, Thankfully I have plenty of those, I might only have a small family but my friends make up the remainder. I can’t be more Thankful to the support each and every one of them have shown, both male and female, now I find a slight role reversal with the shoe on the other foot, being strong for not only myself but helping them through hard times and heart ache too. You see, words mean a lot to me, they define people and the world we live in and the fact that few words so little can turn someones day around in the space of a sentence blows me away. Making people feel better is something I love, it gives me a sense of encouragement and reward in life and the thought that someone isn’t battling something alone makes me sleep easier at night. Me? I was the girl that stressed, past tense. Who battles slight anxiety and as she’s writing in the space of a day has managed to remove half the inside of her lip at her own doing. She does things out of principle and learns in her own ways. Christmas has kept my mind busy and It was so nice to spend time with those who keep me afloat. Christmas day as always was a knock out, I never take it for granted that I’m so lucky, the other night I was passing through Newcastle and my heart broke at the sight of people in doorways and with eyes wide at the slight site of a soup kitchen and a meer duvet to keep them warm, no love, no heartfelt home and no festivity just sheer gratitude for something so small. Having had my mind occupied with various events over the yuletide celebrations it hasn’t given me much chance to reflect, in hindsight a godsend. But here the new year descends and the last day or so I’ve felt unsettled, reflected on memories and replayed words, tossing and turning wishing she had a chance to rewind and give 2015 another bash with everything she’s learnt in tow. When someone has been part of your life I guess it’s natural, a bit like a mourning, they aren’t there but the memories are, do they ever think about you? Do they remember everything like you do, do they miss the fun and the laughter and the company on the cold nights, she doesn’t ask cause what does it matter?I find myself awake at night asking questions I may never no, you could ask and not reply, that appears to be the general consensus of late. 2015 has been one hell of a year and despite anything bar recent events I would change nothing else, I learnt how to share and embrace life and learnt to love again, but all the same it’s a lesson learnt. I intend to see the new year in how I intend to continue it, as always making the most of life as i have since the day I arrived and if 2016 means going solo then so be it, anyone whose meant to be in your life will find there way, be your own hero, that way when things go wrong your the only one to blame. So at midnight on Thursday I’ll be raising a toast to all the memories made and the moments shared more than likely with a tearful sparkle in my eye to the people who have loved us and left us behind along the way for more reason than one, looking forward into the future with my eyes wide open and my heart tucked away ready to be the warrior she’s always been and maybe just maybe in time she will find someone who will restore her faith and trust in spoken words and Love. She has been and always will be the girl that can’t say she never tried. So whatever you are and whatever you do on NYE take a minute to reflect on those in your life and how much they mean, you never know when things might change 💛
Memories. That little world. So much meaning and so much thought. They are the best and worst thing that can happen to us in a pretty similar way to love. The last two weeks my heart has ached a whole mix of emotions, tears, hurt, Frustration, blame, anger. Feelings are something we can’t switch off however hard we try, there’s only so many times people can tell you your strong and will get through something, when someone has been a part of your life they etch a part of your heart that’s never taken away. Everywhere you look there’s a reminder of a memory you made or a moment you shared, the dreams you promised each other and the daft moments that you know know one else would understand, you scroll through photos, messages and anything you can find trying to make sense of whatever you can, trying to get answers and understanding and wishing you still woke up to those messages and feeling their kiss on your nose . Truth is I am probably stronger than I know but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it when the world’s crashing around you. Like many I’ve been here before, this time I swore it was different and I’d never see those days again, oh how wrong I could be. A song on the radio, a soft toy a simple photo they all bring that pain to the surface and although you know beating yourself up won’t help, yup we do it anyway. Truth is I’m tired of pain and tears and I’m tired of analysing everything that should or could have been, I’ll never get tired of fighting cause I was born with it in my blood, so tonight for the long time in a while she’s drying her eyes and putting on her favourite mac and digging her heels into her knee high boots she will share love and stories with her best friend on a dance floor that cannot judge. She’s facing the world for herself and nobody else, because people who love us will always truly try and she knows this best friend will never break her heart.
There’s many things that I love in life, Travel being the wholesome passion I hold, it enriches the soul and makes everything you might be running away from seem like a drop of water in a pretty big ocean in the wonderful world of life. I remember in my 6 weeks of seeing the wonderful sights of Asia lying on a beach praying it would never come to an end, wishing normality wouldn’t return and that I could stay plodding along in the sunshine seeing only the worlds wonders. Travel is a massive part of my soul from the local culture to cuisine I’m a typical travelling tourist with a love for seeing the world. So as I sit in the sun dreading the reality to return watching life go by drinking my pint of San Miguel like there’s not a care in the world Wondering what the world has in store next. Memories are precious and whichever way you look or whatever way they end they will always be there, after all we learn from our mistakes right? They add to our catalouge of life and make us the people we are today. I’m not one for all this new me new shit, personally there’s no time like the present, but being my competitive self I like to learn from my mistakes. I’m the type of girl who will spend her entire life judging what she’s done, beating herself up, what could have gone wrong, what did she do, what did she say, turning herself inside outside with blame, what could have been and feeling unworthy that she will ever find a fairy tale and watching someone you can’t help but love become a stranger. Truth is you could be the most flawless person in the world and there will always be someone to pick a fault, there will always be that one person waiting in the wings to take away what you had and nine times out of ten there not half the person you will ever be. Sometimes hiding behind shades so know one see the tears, and sometimes longing to hear everything will be alright. You could wait forever for people to answer your questions and waste your time trying to help even when you know it will be refused, no matter what changes I’ll always be the girl who fights for what she has and fights for what she does, if it’s not important it doesn’t matter,let it go, ride it out and go with the soul. Never say its too late and always be honest Cause one day you won’t wake up at all and that is my only true fear in life.