Bang My Head Against The Wall

They say life is a roller coaster, boy are they not wrong. After the midst of chaos that crashed down the last 3 weeks apparently there was more to come. After spending time feeling rock bottom for weeks, over thinking, contemplating life and finding relief and love in friends trying to fix the world back to some term of normality things were about to get shit.Again. So December’s arrived, hazy start after a horrible November and usually my favourite time of the year, Advent calenders to open, trees to put up, decorations to hang, cards handed out, presents to wrap, I love it, each and every bit, I’m the biggest kid going when it comes to Christmas. Truthfully my heart hasn’t felt into anything, felt tired, drained and exhausted and an thing else to go with it. So on Friday after a last minute decision to head to the works Christmas party putting th world to the back of my head after what was a good night filled with laughter and fun BANG my bag goes missing. Now I’ve never lost my belongings but I pray i never have to do again. Anyone who knows me knows it my connection to the world, my life line to the special people who keep my chin up along the way. Along with my house keys, my makeup, my money and just everything, after a distraught weekend, plenty of tears, hair pulling, more tears, lack of sleep and 2 visits from the police it’s seen returned. I am a sentimental person, everything holds memories, the thought of someone having those turned me inside out, photos,messages some that just yet your not quite ready to let go of. It’s no doubt the last month has been trying, and in the middle of all of this you get contact from the last person you expect with the most, mental how you can feel so I’ll at the thought of seeing someone who was such a big part of your life, your full world in fact, bringing memories flooding back and heartache at a touch. Truth is I’m tired of beating myself up, I’ve come to the conclusion in life that you could be the juicest peach in the world and there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches, part of you wants to scream and shout the other wants to walk away like a boss, tired of blaming myself and receiving a string of excuses that quite frankly just add to a whole list. If someone isn’t happy that’s there issue, if you can help, then hold there hand it they won’t let you then you have to accept that and move on however much it hurts, when there words mean nothing anymore it’s an awful thing, memories are the worst and best things sometimes and I’ve spent a lot of the last few weeks praying I could rewind to the beginning. Why? Is the question, to go through it all again? That feeling you get at the thought of them with someone else or the thought of having to love again is one that doesn’t take me lightly,it makes me feel physically sick, you wonder if they miss you, what they are doing, do they remember all the things said, do they regret things?.Do they think of the things you had planned and feel sad too?.The mind can be a powerful thing sometimes cruel, life is life and as they say what will be will be, when people share such close things your heart and mind forever wanders, it’s a hard game to play and the good will come with the bad. You can have so many wonderful words and love but everyone has to face there battles there own way, for me it kills thinking someone you can’t help but love probably barely gives you a second thought, you will always think cause of the hurt and damage they have caused that they will never care again, as they say times a healer, let’s get this clock ticking.

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