So, it’s almost the end of December. Where did that go? Your guess is as good as mine. I live by the philosophy that life is too short as well as many other good people however I feel like I’m meeting myself coming backwards at the minute like a revolving carousel. In the run up to Christmas, my usual favourite festive month I didn’t have my eye on the ball this year, not as organised as usual and felt like the days were taking weeks to pass Truthfully I wasn’t looking forward to it, it saddens me to say that but I wasn’t. It’s been a long two month but the last couple of weeks things are starting to look up, I feel myself creeping back, my inner strength more reinforced than ever and my guard higher than the current flood gates. Christmas time is a time for reflection and to share with the special people in your life, Thankfully I have plenty of those, I might only have a small family but my friends make up the remainder. I can’t be more Thankful to the support each and every one of them have shown, both male and female, now I find a slight role reversal with the shoe on the other foot, being strong for not only myself but helping them through hard times and heart ache too. You see, words mean a lot to me, they define people and the world we live in and the fact that few words so little can turn someones day around in the space of a sentence blows me away. Making people feel better is something I love, it gives me a sense of encouragement and reward in life and the thought that someone isn’t battling something alone makes me sleep easier at night. Me? I was the girl that stressed, past tense. Who battles slight anxiety and as she’s writing in the space of a day has managed to remove half the inside of her lip at her own doing. She does things out of principle and learns in her own ways. Christmas has kept my mind busy and It was so nice to spend time with those who keep me afloat. Christmas day as always was a knock out, I never take it for granted that I’m so lucky, the other night I was passing through Newcastle and my heart broke at the sight of people in doorways and with eyes wide at the slight site of a soup kitchen and a meer duvet to keep them warm, no love, no heartfelt home and no festivity just sheer gratitude for something so small. Having had my mind occupied with various events over the yuletide celebrations it hasn’t given me much chance to reflect, in hindsight a godsend. But here the new year descends and the last day or so I’ve felt unsettled, reflected on memories and replayed words, tossing and turning wishing she had a chance to rewind and give 2015 another bash with everything she’s learnt in tow. When someone has been part of your life I guess it’s natural, a bit like a mourning, they aren’t there but the memories are, do they ever think about you? Do they remember everything like you do, do they miss the fun and the laughter and the company on the cold nights, she doesn’t ask cause what does it matter?I find myself awake at night asking questions I may never no, you could ask and not reply, that appears to be the general consensus of late. 2015 has been one hell of a year and despite anything bar recent events I would change nothing else, I learnt how to share and embrace life and learnt to love again, but all the same it’s a lesson learnt. I intend to see the new year in how I intend to continue it, as always making the most of life as i have since the day I arrived and if 2016 means going solo then so be it, anyone whose meant to be in your life will find there way, be your own hero, that way when things go wrong your the only one to blame. So at midnight on Thursday I’ll be raising a toast to all the memories made and the moments shared more than likely with a tearful sparkle in my eye to the people who have loved us and left us behind along the way for more reason than one, looking forward into the future with my eyes wide open and my heart tucked away ready to be the warrior she’s always been and maybe just maybe in time she will find someone who will restore her faith and trust in spoken words and Love. She has been and always will be the girl that can’t say she never tried. So whatever you are and whatever you do on NYE take a minute to reflect on those in your life and how much they mean, you never know when things might change 💛
5 weeks. Doesn’t sound long does it? In reality, it’s not, when I look back to this time last year the last year seems like it’s gone in the blink of an eye, Another year ready to end and a new page ready to turn, new chapters ready to be written and memories ready to be made. It’s a Far cry from the ending I was ready and excited by far, but 5 weeks ago I thought the pain was never gonna end and here I am. It’s a true quote that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, cliché but spot on. From January to November I felt like my life was working against the clock, fighting to fit in Love, life and everything in it, Fueled like a rocket and ready to blast the future ahead. When I was a little girl a year sounded like a long time, if only we were still so young and naive, truth being the older I get the quicker and scarier they disappear in front of our own eyes. The last month? Has gone far from quick, I’ve felt like I’ve spent every day looking at the clock, watching the big hand tick round and clock every hour, from minute to second. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Maybe as they say times a healer, maybe I want to be healed, sometimes I look in the mirror and have to remind myself I have done this before. Having looked at every scenario from every angle in the space of however many days, it’s clear to say that even Van Gogh couldn’t paint a clear picture of the recent events my heart and I have endured all at the hands of one person. Its been far from an easy ride, it’s been hard, fucking hard, know one expects the rug to be pulled from beneath there feet or have there world turned upside down. The sad reality is, it happens every minute of every day all over the world. I’ve learnt things, things I thought I’d never learn, things I thought and controlled and never did, I’ve learned how to manage and cope and realise that there is more to life than worrying about things that quite frankly, are worth nothing. Like everything there’s good and bad days, some days I feel strong and level headed and ready to fight the world, other days my heart aches,.silently, wishing she could change the world, replaying the last however many months of her Life, scenarios, moments of laughter and joy and words shared, staring at that empty seat that was once filled with so much hope. But what good does it do her? We all know the answer. For weeks I missed my sparkle, missed hearing myself laugh and my eyes shine in the sun, this once happy go lucky girl feeling a shell of her once energetic self. After a few sleepless nights and a bit self convincing, I decided it was time to give my head a shake, the person that caused all this doubt and pain is not the same person you fell in love with all those months ago, it’s not the same person who shared those times or spoke those words. Sometimes things happen that make you sit up and think, shit, despite everything how lucky I am. In the space of 3 days I’d heard things from 3 friends that made me do just that. Moments like this make you stand back and reevaluate life, something that a lot of people rarely do, we all have problems, we all have things we don’t want to face or fears we don’t want to cross but truth is whatever your going through, there’s always someone troubled by something far worse. It’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.
Occupying the mind is a vicious circle, keeping busy and grounded is a toxic mix. I’ve never been one for staying in, I was born for adventure and fun and that’s what I’ve attempted to achieve for the last 27 years of my life much to the dismay of some jealous eyes. I enjoy life, so what? That’s my character and a huge part of my personality, it gives me a huge buzz to explore new things, cultures, hobbies and experiences, so goes my work hard play hard kinda motto. So for the last few weeks I’ve surrounded myself with those who feed my soul, show me the true meaning of friendship and learn me that lifes really all not that bad. On Tuesday I decided to go ice skating with my best friend, having not been since I was last a child’s school party I was interested to see the outcome and couldn’t wait to push everything to the back of my mind. In those few hours I found a little piece of myself return, coached by the one person whose always there to help me along the way, we laughed, and it felt good to feel the wind through my hair as I found confidence in myself to do something I’ve been afraid to try again following one fall. Spending time with friends helps enrich the soul and restore faith in things you feel can never be refound, it feels good to get reassurance and hope from those you might not see every day but you always know they are there, it doesn’t change how you feel but it gives you that glimmer of hope that things aren’t always going to be this way. So a week today it’s Christmas Day, my favorite time of the year, amongst the hectic chaos of life that is work and trying to fit everything in if anything I’m going to enjoy it, stay strong and keep my head up high, life has it’s ways of throwing us some harsh learning curves, but if we don’t fight through them, what have we learnt?
And so here it is, the end of another adventure, what better place for writing inspiration at 32000 feet looking down on the world, cars like dots, people like ants and the sun only at an arms reach. I would be lying If I didn’t say this week hasn’t been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, through tears and frustration Trying to understand life, the world and everyone in it, thinking what could or should have been, Connecting with every song that happens to come on the radio, every lyric playing a part in recent events. I’d like to say it’s the first time I’ve been here but truth it isn’t, we all have our own demon, issues and things that some days we just can’t face and this wonderful roller coaster called life has great habit of bad timing of shaking your world like a snow globe and giving it back smashed to pieces. So what do you do when you get those days? You look at what you have and who you have around you, you tackle it head on, full steam ahead whilst saying I am brave enough to do this, through gritted teeth, tears and whatever else, balls go a long way. I have never asked for much from life just the usual health, love and happiness malarkey, lots of adventures (a few Mac lipsticks and new dresses) oh and honesty, big word right? For my world it’s a big part, if you dont have honesty you have nothing and there’s no firmer believer of that than yours truly. Sometimes I find myself being too honest, but that’s me and it’s a big part of my personality that has done me ok the last 27 years, in most aspects of life. So as I found myself back in front of passport control with a glum face and disappointment that it’s turn for reality to regain for a whole new host of reasons. They say you don’t know how strong you are until you have no other choice, sweet Jesus where they right.