Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

There’s many things in life that we will probably never understand, maybe due to our own ignorance, lack of understanding or just simply turning a blind eye on the busy road to life. Over the last 27 years I’ve learnt a lot, one thing being we hurt the people we love the most. Trust is something that has to be earned, it’s something some people give a lot easier than others. Relationships are the best and worst things that can happen to us in life, they help us find ourselves, share our love, make memories,break boundaries, taking each other through life experiences on the way and help make us better people. All of my life for as long as I can remember I’ve worn my heart right out on sleeve, soft as they come and open as you like, not afraid to look after myself or stand for what I feel but as open and honest as you will find. It comes with life traits that a lot of the time you expect the same from others too. So whats my story you ask? All my life I’ve been lucky, since the day I arrived I’ve been showered with love, every moment made special, every moment captured, Every holiday or Birthday celebrated with the utmost love and fun. Being an only child and a small family I’ve always Had support and more love than you can imagine, it breaks my heart for those who have never had that cause it’s a huge part of the the young woman I am today. I’ve had the pleasures of a comfortable home, a wonderful life, the chance to see amazing places and meet wonderful people along the way, it’s made me the character I am today and carries on in my passion thrown into whatever I do. Career wise not always so lucky,  my dreams were to be in the police force or stay in travel, the day I got a phone call to say my position for the police had been pulled due to cuts was the day my dream was swept away, all that hard work and determination taking away in thirty seconds, so here I am still in travel and giving it my All. I won’t say I’ve always been happy, I spent around 6 years in a job I detested everyday with people who only got anywhere who had a face that fitted, yup you guessed it that wasn’t me, from there I moved to a job that made it worth getting out of bed everyday, it gave me the air to breath and find my feet and get my confidence back to the level I needed to push forward and move to where I am today. When I was younger I said I would never work in a call centre, at least unless it was something I had any interest In, and here I am. Sitting at a desk isn’t really me, talking to people on the other hand really is, in one day you can be so many different things to so many different people, they don’t know you but sometimes share there every details like they’ve known you for years, to hear you’ve made there day really gives me a heartfelt feeling. This morning I took two calls, straight after the other the first a guy who had split with his girlfriend and the second a girl who had split with her boyfriend. My heart sunk and my throat choked, the tears wanted to fall harder than you can imagine knowing that complete stranger was sharing there story with you and feeling the same pain. Through my own pain I offered them best wishes and took them in return, just letting them know that even though they might feel it they are never alone, somebody, somewhere knows that feeling too.
You see for all my lucky things in life Love has never been one, heartbreak is something I know only too well and something I did not envisage visiting  right now. You see ten months ago someone walked into my life who set apart all the rest, all the boys who had promised me the world and the empty words. This time it was different, In a short space of time and without a day going by of messaging, you know the feeling, waking up to that cheesy morning text or seeing a missed call, an unread snap chat or a cheeky comment we shared so many memories. We became best friends, joked about each others tastes, no holds barred, just us facing the world. I love to life to the full and never make that a secret, we get one shot and I sure as hell would never waste it, I could shut my eyes tonight and not wake up tomorrow and I’d go to sleep happy cause I know that I’ve done as much as I can in a short space of time. When people come into our lives they don’t just enter our hearts they enter our families too something to me that is very special. This year I went on my first ever couples holiday and loved every minute, laughed liked a child, excited to share the passion for the world and new experiences. Parties? We went together, meals out? Everyone loves date night, and I can genuinely say for 10 months I enjoyed every moment and new tale to tell. That all changed when my world got turned on its head and our dreams got torn apart when just over 2 weeks ago that big part of me walked out the door, no signs, no nothing, just complete heartbreak and unforseen blame laid. Ever since then I’ve tried to find myself but can’t, I won’t erase photos and memories cause they were a part of my life that will always remain, they may be the past now but they will always be apart of my heart, I’ve tortured myself with what I could have done or said to make everything right, trawled through messages to see what I missed and spent sleepless nights trying to Piece my missing jigsaw puzzle back together just hoping it’s all a nightmare. I spent a week in the sun hiding behind shades and finding any excuse to nip back to the comfort of my room to cry a little more. When I returned I was faced with something I never expected when I didn’t think the pain could get any worse, I clung on to the last little bit of hope that maybe just maybe it was meant to be, that he would come round and we would be laughing about in a year’s time. Only it didn’t happen and again I was left with very little answers. Pain is hearing that someone you shared all those moments with didn’t make them Happy, the old it’s not you its me cliché, been there done that got the merchandise. For the last few weeks all I’ve wanted to do is sleep and hide, away from my out going personality from girl who loves to see the world smile and hear the laughter of happiness. I’ve been inundated with messages from friends old and new, phone calls from the most least expected people and words that have left me in tears, truth is despite all the memories this time was no different and rather than talk ran away from everything we both came to knew. Things get said in the heat of the Moment, anger, frustration and pain rears it’s head and it was finally time put it to bed. It’s hard, what in life is not, emotions and pain is not a great combination but everyone deals with how we know best. For me that will be time, for him it’s shutting out the world including me, ending such an enriched journey pained with heartbreak is never what I wished for, because I know deep im Worth so much more than that, nothing anyone says will lift the burden or clear the mind but I know eventually I’ll find it somewhere to accept everything and get back to being the girl I used to be, taking the world by its horns once again, and giving everything my all. So instead of planning what should have been our first Christmas together here I am Just hating that we are strangers adding everything to life experience and wishing dreams had never been broken by the one person she least expected.


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